1
26:31:02,193 --> 26:31:06,453
Oh, thank you so much.

2
26:31:06,473 --> 26:31:10,573
Oh, big Saturday night.
Thank you so much.

3
26:31:10,593 --> 26:31:12,653
Wonderful to be here.

4
26:31:12,673 --> 26:31:16,453
Now, I have called the show Smashing
because it's the only verb you need.

5
26:31:16,473 --> 26:31:18,013
I know. Isn't that good news?

6
26:31:18,033 --> 26:31:20,333
Because, you know how usually you go,
"Oh, which verb should I use?"

7
26:31:20,353 --> 26:31:22,253
Well, smash anything.

8
26:31:22,273 --> 26:31:23,813
I've been listening to
the young people.

9
26:31:23,833 --> 26:31:25,973
They are smashing it all.

10
26:31:25,993 --> 26:31:28,973
This guy said to me the other day,
"Hey, do you want to smash a coffee?"

11
26:31:28,993 --> 26:31:31,093
And I went, "Alright."

12
26:31:33,033 --> 26:31:36,573
I'd usually just drink one,
but sure, let's smash one.

13
26:31:36,593 --> 26:31:38,173
And then he said,
"Well, just give us a sec.

14
26:31:38,193 --> 26:31:39,853
"I've got to smash these emails
out first."

15
26:31:39,873 --> 26:31:41,133
I went, "Righto, mate."

16
26:31:41,153 --> 26:31:42,533
Then we go to the cafe.

17
26:31:42,553 --> 26:31:44,493
There's a guy next to us
who's that hungry,

18
26:31:44,513 --> 26:31:46,733
do you know what he was doing?
"I'm fucking smashing this burger."

19
26:31:46,753 --> 26:31:48,053
"I'm smashing it.

20
26:31:48,073 --> 26:31:50,253
"Oh, man, I'm so hungry.
I'm smashing it."

21
26:31:50,273 --> 26:31:53,053
Then there's some young women talking
about how they're going to go out
after work.

22
26:31:53,073 --> 26:31:54,293
Do you know what they're going to do?

23
26:31:54,313 --> 26:31:56,333
"Totally smash some cocktails."
(LAUGHTER)

24
26:31:56,353 --> 26:31:58,133
"Totes going to smash
some cocktails."

25
26:31:58,153 --> 26:32:00,693
Then I'm watching reality television
because I'm a bit lonely

26
26:32:00,713 --> 26:32:03,093
and I don't even know what
they were doing.

27
26:32:03,113 --> 26:32:05,493
If they were building or cooking,
whatever it was,

28
26:32:05,513 --> 26:32:06,933
they were smashing it.

29
26:32:06,953 --> 26:32:08,093
That's all they do, isn't it?

30
26:32:08,113 --> 26:32:09,933
"Smash it out.
Just keep smashing it out, babes."

31
26:32:09,953 --> 26:32:13,133
Yeah. If they do it really well,
they smash it out of the park. Yeah.

32
26:32:13,153 --> 26:32:14,613
(LAUGHTER)

33
26:32:14,633 --> 26:32:17,133
And I thought, "I think I'll get
involved with this."

34
26:32:17,153 --> 26:32:20,973
'Cause I realised it's going to make
me sound far more edgy and dangerous,
isn't it?

35
26:32:20,993 --> 26:32:24,133
Like, usually, my life is quite
middle aged, boring and pedestrian.

36
26:32:24,153 --> 26:32:26,053
Not anymore. I'm smashing shit.

37
26:32:26,073 --> 26:32:28,013
(LAUGHTER)

38
26:32:28,033 --> 26:32:29,773
Someone says to me,
what did you do yesterday?

39
26:32:29,793 --> 26:32:32,413
I go, "Mate, got up,
smashed a shower."

40
26:32:32,433 --> 26:32:35,653
(LAUGHTER)

41
26:32:35,673 --> 26:32:38,053
Came downstairs, two at a time,
fucking smashed 'em.

42
26:32:40,033 --> 26:32:42,653
Smashed a cup of tea, Earl Grey.

43
26:32:42,673 --> 26:32:44,653
Smashed a piece of toast.

44
26:32:44,673 --> 26:32:46,973
Got in my car. Smashed it.
That was unfortunate.

45
26:32:46,993 --> 26:32:48,893
(LAUGHTER)

46
26:32:50,553 --> 26:32:53,933
Then I went to the doctor and I
smashed a Pap smear out of the park.

47
26:32:53,953 --> 26:32:55,533
(LAUGHTER)

48
26:32:55,553 --> 26:32:59,453
Come on, there's an exception to
every rule, and that's the one, OK?

49
26:32:59,473 --> 26:33:01,653
So don't be doing that.

50
26:33:01,673 --> 26:33:04,013
Don't be going off to the doctor
and going, "Smash this."

51
26:33:04,033 --> 26:33:06,653
That's not... That's fun for no one.

52
26:33:09,353 --> 26:33:13,173
But tonight, I wanted the show
to be a journey.

53
26:33:13,193 --> 26:33:15,533
I want it to be a journey
because I have been watching

54
26:33:15,553 --> 26:33:20,133
reality television and I've realised
everyone's on a journey but me.

55
26:33:20,153 --> 26:33:22,853
That's what they do on these reality
television shows now, isn't it?

56
26:33:22,873 --> 26:33:25,333
They go on a journey.
That's what they say anyway.

57
26:33:25,353 --> 26:33:27,613
Instead of saying,
"I'm on a shit TV show,"

58
26:33:27,633 --> 26:33:29,693
they say, "I'm on a journey."

59
26:33:29,713 --> 26:33:33,613
And they go on these journeys
to overcome their fears, apparently.

60
26:33:33,633 --> 26:33:36,573
Not to get famous for no reason,
but to overcome their fears.

61
26:33:36,593 --> 26:33:39,013
And like, if you go on The Bachelor,

62
26:33:39,033 --> 26:33:43,013
obviously you try and overcome
your fear of looking like a whore

63
26:33:43,033 --> 26:33:44,573
on national television.

64
26:33:44,593 --> 26:33:46,173
(LAUGHTER)

65
26:33:47,433 --> 26:33:50,173
And that is not slut shaming,
alright.

66
26:33:50,193 --> 26:33:53,093
That is truth telling,
there's a difference.

67
26:33:53,113 --> 26:33:55,733
If you go on Married At First Sight -

68
26:33:55,753 --> 26:33:58,893
and the good news is
they're doing that show again.

69
26:33:58,913 --> 26:34:01,013
I can't believe it. It's coming back.

70
26:34:01,033 --> 26:34:03,053
It's unbel... They're going to make
that show again.

71
26:34:03,073 --> 26:34:07,173
So if you want to overcome your fear
of marrying a fucking idiot,

72
26:34:07,193 --> 26:34:11,173
get involved, sign up today.
(LAUGHTER)

73
26:34:11,193 --> 26:34:12,933
You could be on MAFS.

74
26:34:12,953 --> 26:34:15,493
Because that's what they call it now,
isn't it? MAFS. M-A-F-S.

75
26:34:15,513 --> 26:34:17,573
It stands for
Marrying A Fucking Simpleton.

76
26:34:17,593 --> 26:34:19,733
(LAUGHTER)

77
26:34:19,753 --> 26:34:22,213
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

78
26:34:23,913 --> 26:34:25,693
And MasterChef is coming back.

79
26:34:25,713 --> 26:34:27,293
We all thought that was going
to disappear,

80
26:34:27,313 --> 26:34:29,733
but no, they've promised us
they'll reinvent it and bring it back

81
26:34:29,753 --> 26:34:32,773
and thank God,
because we need that show.

82
26:34:32,793 --> 26:34:35,933
Otherwise where would people go
to overcome their fear

83
26:34:35,953 --> 26:34:37,653
of going to TAFE.

84
26:34:40,433 --> 26:34:43,253
How many more seasons of that show
do we have to watch

85
26:34:43,273 --> 26:34:45,093
with contestants standing there
going,

86
26:34:45,113 --> 26:34:46,573
"Oh, my God, this is my dream.

87
26:34:46,593 --> 26:34:48,653
"I can't believe it,
I'm finally getting to cook.

88
26:34:48,673 --> 26:34:50,973
"This is all I've ever wanted to do
with my life is cook.

89
26:34:50,993 --> 26:34:53,573
"I just can't believe it.
It's my dream."

90
26:34:53,593 --> 26:34:55,173
Well, why didn't you go to TAFE?

91
26:34:55,193 --> 26:34:56,973
(LAUGHTER)

92
26:34:59,273 --> 26:35:02,733
Like, no offense to anyone
who's been to TAFE,

93
26:35:02,753 --> 26:35:05,853
'cause I think TAFE's great,
but it's not hard to get in.

94
26:35:05,873 --> 26:35:07,693
(LAUGHTER)

95
26:35:08,713 --> 26:35:09,893
You...

96
26:35:09,913 --> 26:35:13,773
You don't even have to finish school
and you can just go there.

97
26:35:13,793 --> 26:35:17,173
Seriously, you could be on MAFS
and still get into TAFE.

98
26:35:17,193 --> 26:35:19,173
(LAUGHTER)
That's how easy it is.

99
26:35:22,233 --> 26:35:26,093
I would have liked it if they brought
the show back,

100
26:35:26,113 --> 26:35:29,013
but they brought it back
and really reinvented it.

101
26:35:29,033 --> 26:35:31,733
If they made it around a profession

102
26:35:31,753 --> 26:35:34,933
that was notoriously difficult
to get into.

103
26:35:34,953 --> 26:35:38,173
Like, they should bring the show back
and call it Master Surgeon...

104
26:35:39,473 --> 26:35:41,013
..because who wouldn't want a crack
at that?

105
26:35:41,033 --> 26:35:42,893
Give me a scalpel.
I'll audition for that.

106
26:35:44,713 --> 26:35:47,573
What is, what is wrong
with those contestants?

107
26:35:48,873 --> 26:35:50,333
Why are they all so...

108
26:35:50,353 --> 26:35:51,493
I...

109
26:35:53,193 --> 26:35:57,653
I just feel like they don't seem
to understand how the show works.

110
26:35:57,673 --> 26:36:00,053
Do you know what I mean? Like,
it's been on our screens for years

111
26:36:00,073 --> 26:36:02,053
and they still don't understand
how it works.

112
26:36:02,073 --> 26:36:04,973
You always get one or two of them
standing there,

113
26:36:04,993 --> 26:36:06,653
crying their stupid, dumb eyes out.

114
26:36:06,673 --> 26:36:11,893
You know, going, "Erm, yeah,
it's a bit hard because I...

115
26:36:13,073 --> 26:36:16,573
..had to put the icing on the cake
when the cake was still warm and...

116
26:36:19,153 --> 26:36:21,293
I don't know if the icing's going
to stay on that cake.

117
26:36:21,313 --> 26:36:27,053
And if that icing comes off, then
that could be enough to send me home.

118
26:36:29,153 --> 26:36:30,453
I'm just not ready to go home.

119
26:36:30,473 --> 26:36:32,173
I'm just not ready
for the journey to end.

120
26:36:33,673 --> 26:36:35,933
It's like, "Well, mate,
you've made a shit cake, get ready."

121
26:36:35,953 --> 26:36:37,973
(LAUGHTER)

122
26:36:37,993 --> 26:36:40,253
How do we all know that?

123
26:36:40,273 --> 26:36:42,253
Pack your bags, son, you're out.

124
26:36:43,953 --> 26:36:46,173
But look, the journey
I want to go on tonight...

125
26:36:47,593 --> 26:36:51,853
..I would like to overcome my fear
of talking about sex.

126
26:36:53,753 --> 26:36:56,533
So I hope some of you came
with your kids tonight.

127
26:36:58,873 --> 26:37:00,693
It's about to get awkward.

128
26:37:05,713 --> 26:37:07,213
it's not something
I'm comfortable doing.

129
26:37:07,233 --> 26:37:09,293
I don't talk about sex
in my real life either.

130
26:37:09,313 --> 26:37:11,693
I'm actually quite conservative -
my whole family is.

131
26:37:11,713 --> 26:37:14,053
Like, even now, if I go over
to my parents' house

132
26:37:14,073 --> 26:37:18,493
and we're watching television,
God help us if a sex scene comes on,

133
26:37:18,513 --> 26:37:20,053
because here's how we handle it.

134
26:37:20,073 --> 26:37:23,733
Like a bunch of grown-ups,
we all stop breathing...

135
26:37:26,713 --> 26:37:29,813
..stare straight ahead,
make no eye contact whatsoever...

136
26:37:30,993 --> 26:37:33,493
..and together we will it to be over.

137
26:37:36,073 --> 26:37:38,093
If it's not over in about 30 seconds,

138
26:37:38,113 --> 26:37:40,853
it's amazing how we all need to make
a cup of tea at the same time.

139
26:37:44,593 --> 26:37:47,373
I also used to watch that show
Sex And The City,

140
26:37:47,393 --> 26:37:50,413
and I enjoyed the show, but I didn't
relate to it like other women did.

141
26:37:50,433 --> 26:37:53,613
Other women were always picking which
one they were of the four girls,
you know.

142
26:37:53,633 --> 26:37:55,573
I didn't get those women at all.

143
26:37:55,593 --> 26:37:58,293
They were always doing things like
going off to brunch

144
26:37:58,313 --> 26:38:00,893
and having these really graphic
discussions

145
26:38:00,913 --> 26:38:02,773
about the sex they were having.

146
26:38:02,793 --> 26:38:05,013
Like, there was that blonde one,
Samantha,

147
26:38:05,033 --> 26:38:07,493
and she'd always say things
like this.

148
26:38:07,513 --> 26:38:11,533
(IMITATES SAMANTHA) Oh, my God,
he had such a fabulous dick.

149
26:38:11,553 --> 26:38:13,693
(LAUGHTER)

150
26:38:16,153 --> 26:38:17,973
Now, a couple of things.

151
26:38:20,113 --> 26:38:23,013
OK, firstly, it's brunch, I'm eating.

152
26:38:23,033 --> 26:38:25,253
Could you dial down the dick talk,
Samantha?

153
26:38:25,273 --> 26:38:27,613
(LAUGHTER)

154
26:38:27,633 --> 26:38:30,173
But secondly, and more importantly...

155
26:38:31,193 --> 26:38:36,893
Hey, I haven't seen hundreds of
dicks,

156
26:38:36,913 --> 26:38:42,733
but I would say I have seen enough
to know that my go-to adjective...

157
26:38:46,073 --> 26:38:49,813
..would never be fabulous.

158
26:38:49,833 --> 26:38:51,733
(LAUGHTER)

159
26:38:53,713 --> 26:38:55,013
That's no offense, fellas.

160
26:38:55,033 --> 26:38:59,333
I'm just saying that if I was ever
put on the spot

161
26:38:59,353 --> 26:39:01,693
and I was forced to describe one,

162
26:39:01,713 --> 26:39:04,933
I just think I would be more inclined
to use a word like...

163
26:39:06,273 --> 26:39:09,253
..tubular.
(LAUGHTER)

164
26:39:09,273 --> 26:39:13,333
You know, a more accurate descriptor.
I'm just saying, not fabulous. But...

165
26:39:16,233 --> 26:39:21,853
I think the real reason that
I'm not good at talking about sex

166
26:39:21,873 --> 26:39:25,373
is because I'm not good at sex.

167
26:39:25,393 --> 26:39:27,773
And I know you're thinking, "Oh,
come on, Kitty, you don't know that."

168
26:39:27,793 --> 26:39:30,733
But I do know that
because somebody told me.

169
26:39:30,753 --> 26:39:33,133
(SHOCKED LAUGHTER)
Yeah.

170
26:39:35,633 --> 26:39:36,973
And...

171
26:39:38,513 --> 26:39:42,293
..I'm probably the only person
in the room, I would say, who's,

172
26:39:42,313 --> 26:39:44,613
well, not the only person
who's bad at sex, right?

173
26:39:44,633 --> 26:39:45,653
There'd be heaps of us.

174
26:39:45,673 --> 26:39:48,693
I'm not looking at you in particular,
sir, I'm just saying,
there'd be heaps of us.

175
26:39:48,713 --> 26:39:50,333
There'd be heaps of us
who are bad at it.

176
26:39:50,353 --> 26:39:52,493
But I'm the only one who knows
I'm bad at it

177
26:39:52,513 --> 26:39:54,973
because I'm the only one
who's had a review, right.

178
26:39:56,113 --> 26:39:59,853
And one of my friends
tried to be really positive about it

179
26:39:59,873 --> 26:40:01,653
and she said, "Oh it's quite good
though

180
26:40:01,673 --> 26:40:04,493
"because now you know
what you're doing wrong,

181
26:40:04,513 --> 26:40:06,653
"so you can get better."

182
26:40:06,673 --> 26:40:10,453
I said, "Yeah, 'cause that's what
I want on my next review."

183
26:40:10,473 --> 26:40:12,813
(LAUGHTER)

184
26:40:12,833 --> 26:40:15,413
I'm going for -
Kitty Flanagan, most improved.

185
26:40:15,433 --> 26:40:17,613
(LAUGHTER)

186
26:40:19,233 --> 26:40:22,693
With a bit of luck, in a few years
I might be best on ground. Who knows?

187
26:40:24,553 --> 26:40:27,693
And she has a point, right.
That is a good point.

188
26:40:27,713 --> 26:40:29,693
I should have been able to take
that critique

189
26:40:29,713 --> 26:40:31,173
and use it to my own advantage.

190
26:40:31,193 --> 26:40:33,253
But the problem is what he said
to me,

191
26:40:33,273 --> 26:40:35,693
while it was oddly specific, right...

192
26:40:37,073 --> 26:40:39,173
..was...

193
26:40:39,193 --> 26:40:42,973
..it was also strangely vague.

194
26:40:42,993 --> 26:40:44,973
Yeah, OK, so...

195
26:40:47,073 --> 26:40:48,293
..here's what he said.

196
26:40:49,793 --> 26:40:52,213
And strap in,
this is where the journey starts.

197
26:40:53,713 --> 26:40:56,653
That... Which is not what he said,
just to...in case...

198
26:40:56,673 --> 26:40:58,613
(LAUGHTER)
I don't want you...

199
26:40:58,633 --> 26:41:01,893
I wasn't being held down and
it wasn't anything weird.

200
26:41:03,193 --> 26:41:04,733
OK.

201
26:41:04,753 --> 26:41:05,813
He said...

202
26:41:06,953 --> 26:41:08,613
.."You move too much."

203
26:41:10,193 --> 26:41:11,413
Yeah.

204
26:41:12,993 --> 26:41:14,573
Now it's gone quiet.

205
26:41:16,953 --> 26:41:18,533
And I'm pretty sure I know why.

206
26:41:18,553 --> 26:41:20,693
I think it's 'cause you're trying
to imagine it.

207
26:41:20,713 --> 26:41:22,653
(LAUGHTER)

208
26:41:22,673 --> 26:41:25,733
So if you could please stop
imagining,

209
26:41:25,753 --> 26:41:27,693
because I swear to God
it's not what you're thinking.

210
26:41:27,713 --> 26:41:31,813
I wasn't, you know, thrashing around.
I wasn't.

211
26:41:31,833 --> 26:41:33,773
I don't want you imagining
some kind of, you know...

212
26:41:35,513 --> 26:41:38,413
Like I'm an orca in a killing frenzy
with a baby seal.

213
26:41:40,033 --> 26:41:41,453
It wasn't like that, you know,

214
26:41:41,473 --> 26:41:43,453
and I wasn't bobbing and weaving
either,

215
26:41:43,473 --> 26:41:45,533
making it difficult for him
every time he came at me.

216
26:41:45,553 --> 26:41:47,533
Oh, no. No. No.

217
26:41:47,553 --> 26:41:49,653
No, no. Oh, too slow, too slow.

218
26:41:49,673 --> 26:41:52,093
You've got to be quick,
you've got to be quick.

219
26:41:52,113 --> 26:41:55,853
Yeah, I'm not some sort of annoying
sex version of that game
whac-a-mole.

220
26:41:55,873 --> 26:41:57,613
(LAUGHTER)

221
26:42:00,113 --> 26:42:04,133
So I don't really know what
I was doing wrong.

222
26:42:04,153 --> 26:42:07,693
And my friend said to me,
"Well, why didn't you ask him?"

223
26:42:07,713 --> 26:42:09,253
I said, 'cause, do you know what?

224
26:42:09,273 --> 26:42:12,853
When you're in the nude and you've
just finished what you thought was

225
26:42:12,873 --> 26:42:14,613
a pretty good job, you know?

226
26:42:14,633 --> 26:42:16,693
Look, I'm not saying it was
the best ever,

227
26:42:16,713 --> 26:42:19,773
but I thought it was solid, you know?

228
26:42:20,913 --> 26:42:24,573
And then someone turns around to you
and goes... (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

229
26:42:24,593 --> 26:42:26,613
Do you know what
you don't feel like doing?

230
26:42:26,633 --> 26:42:29,053
You don't go, "Oh, really? No good.
OK, Well, look, I tell you what,

231
26:42:29,073 --> 26:42:31,053
why don't we get up?

232
26:42:31,073 --> 26:42:33,373
I'll pop the kettle on.
We'll have a cup of tea.

233
26:42:33,393 --> 26:42:35,973
I'll get a notepad out
and we can really drill down

234
26:42:35,993 --> 26:42:37,333
on where I went wrong.

235
26:42:38,633 --> 26:42:40,733
Do you know what you do if someone
tells you you move too much?

236
26:42:40,753 --> 26:42:41,933
You're mortified and you go,

237
26:42:41,953 --> 26:42:43,613
"Oh, my God, that's never going
to happen again."

238
26:42:43,633 --> 26:42:44,853
And the next time...

239
26:42:44,873 --> 26:42:46,293
(LAUGHTER)

240
26:42:48,153 --> 26:42:49,693
So that's it.

241
26:42:49,713 --> 26:42:52,693
If you're going to imagine anything,
let it be this.

242
26:42:54,753 --> 26:42:57,493
'Cause that's all anyone's getting
from now on. And you know what?

243
26:42:57,513 --> 26:43:00,413
I would rather you imagine that.
I would.

244
26:43:00,433 --> 26:43:02,173
I certainly don't want, you know,

245
26:43:02,193 --> 26:43:04,653
it's preferable to every time
you're driving down the highway

246
26:43:04,673 --> 26:43:07,493
and you go past a car yard
and see one of these things.

247
26:43:07,513 --> 26:43:10,973
(LAUGHTER)

248
26:43:13,913 --> 26:43:15,853
You start thinking, "Oh, there's
Kitty Flanagan

249
26:43:15,873 --> 26:43:17,693
"disappointing someone again."

250
26:43:22,153 --> 26:43:24,573
And it's actually
quite useful information now

251
26:43:24,593 --> 26:43:27,173
'cause I'm able to look back
on all my old relationships and go,

252
26:43:27,193 --> 26:43:31,533
"OK, we probably broke up because of
that rather than my shit
personality."

253
26:43:31,553 --> 26:43:33,813
You know, I just... Now I know.

254
26:43:33,833 --> 26:43:35,373
Like, in the past, I thought...

255
26:43:35,393 --> 26:43:37,573
I broke up with this one
particular guy.

256
26:43:37,593 --> 26:43:40,173
I thought we broke up because
we disagreed about things,

257
26:43:40,193 --> 26:43:42,493
like fundamental basic things.

258
26:43:42,513 --> 26:43:44,413
Like, I thought I was funny.

259
26:43:45,833 --> 26:43:47,653
He didn't.

260
26:43:47,673 --> 26:43:49,493
I thought his kids were annoying.

261
26:43:50,553 --> 26:43:52,253
He didn't.

262
26:43:52,273 --> 26:43:53,653
I thought he liked me.

263
26:43:54,633 --> 26:43:55,893
He didn't.

264
26:43:56,993 --> 26:43:58,093
That's not exactly true.

265
26:43:58,113 --> 26:44:01,093
He did like me,
he just didn't like me as much,

266
26:44:01,113 --> 26:44:04,373
it turns out, as he liked the woman
from work.

267
26:44:04,393 --> 26:44:06,893
Yeah. And I always had my suspicions
about her.

268
26:44:06,913 --> 26:44:10,133
You know, they worked late a lot
and she called a lot.

269
26:44:10,153 --> 26:44:12,533
But they were just work pals,
for sure.

270
26:44:12,553 --> 26:44:15,213
Just suspicious,
a little bit suspicious.

271
26:44:15,233 --> 26:44:17,893
And recently I had those suspicions
confirmed

272
26:44:17,913 --> 26:44:19,973
when I saw their wedding photos.

273
26:44:21,353 --> 26:44:23,653
Hey, but honestly,
this is such a happy story.

274
26:44:23,673 --> 26:44:28,413
It really is, because I would rather
be sad and lonely...but right.

275
26:44:28,433 --> 26:44:30,453
(LAUGHTER)

276
26:44:30,473 --> 26:44:32,573
I fucking knew it.

277
26:44:32,593 --> 26:44:35,053
You've gotta trust your instincts,
ladies.

278
26:44:35,073 --> 26:44:38,613
But the thing is, I am happy for him.
You know, he's married now.

279
26:44:38,633 --> 26:44:42,333
He likes being married. I know that
because this is his third go at it.

280
26:44:42,353 --> 26:44:44,053
(LAUGHTER)
And...

281
26:44:44,073 --> 26:44:45,813
Honestly, how many times are you
allowed to do it?

282
26:44:45,833 --> 26:44:48,053
Don't you think there should be
a limit on how many times

283
26:44:48,073 --> 26:44:51,613
you're allowed to stand up and do
all that, oh, till death do us part
business?

284
26:44:51,633 --> 26:44:53,693
Like, I think by number three,

285
26:44:53,713 --> 26:44:55,573
you shouldn't be allowed to do vows
anymore.

286
26:44:55,593 --> 26:44:58,453
By number three, they're more
loose suggestions, aren't they?
(LAUGHTER)

287
26:45:05,718 --> 26:45:08,018
I just happened to see these photos

288
26:45:08,038 --> 26:45:12,458
because I was poking around somewhere
I shouldn't have been.

289
26:45:12,478 --> 26:45:15,138
I know, I say poking.
You say stalking on Facebook.

290
26:45:15,158 --> 26:45:16,618
It's the same thing.
We've all done it.

291
26:45:16,638 --> 26:45:19,578
And sometimes you don't even know
how you end up there, do you?

292
26:45:19,598 --> 26:45:21,498
You know you're just working
on your computer and you go,

293
26:45:21,518 --> 26:45:24,258
"Oh, I've accidentally typed
his name in."

294
26:45:24,278 --> 26:45:25,898
(LAUGHTER)

295
26:45:25,918 --> 26:45:27,618
Oh, dear. Oh, well.

296
26:45:27,638 --> 26:45:30,298
Well, I don't want to waste
the megabytes.

297
26:45:30,318 --> 26:45:33,338
I may as well just...have a look.

298
26:45:33,358 --> 26:45:34,578
And I couldn't see a lot

299
26:45:34,598 --> 26:45:37,378
'cause he's changed most of
the privacy settings

300
26:45:37,398 --> 26:45:38,578
since we were out.

301
26:45:38,598 --> 26:45:41,138
But I could see his status

302
26:45:41,158 --> 26:45:46,818
and I could see that it had changed
to married and I went, "Oh...hello."

303
26:45:46,838 --> 26:45:50,098
That's got to be worth a bit of
a rummage, hasn't it?

304
26:45:50,118 --> 26:45:53,058
Let's have a little bit of a peepsy
and see what we can see.

305
26:45:53,078 --> 26:45:55,418
Could still see
who all his friends were.

306
26:45:55,438 --> 26:45:56,778
So I figured, well...

307
26:45:58,398 --> 26:45:59,978
..I bet the new wife's a friend.

308
26:46:01,158 --> 26:46:03,018
Let's see if we can find her.

309
26:46:03,038 --> 26:46:05,138
Scrolled through, didn't take long.
Up it came.

310
26:46:05,158 --> 26:46:08,178
I see his surname, a woman's name
I don't recognise as a relative.

311
26:46:08,198 --> 26:46:09,658
I think that's got to be her. Click.

312
26:46:09,678 --> 26:46:11,778
(CHUCKLES EXCITEDLY)

313
26:46:11,798 --> 26:46:15,738
OK. Not only is it the woman from
work - I fucking knew it - right...

314
26:46:15,758 --> 26:46:17,338
(LAUGHTER)

315
26:46:17,358 --> 26:46:21,058
But get this,
she has no privacy settings.

316
26:46:21,078 --> 26:46:24,978
So there are all of
the wedding photos for me to enjoy,

317
26:46:24,998 --> 26:46:28,938
all of them with the caption,
"Third time's a charm."

318
26:46:28,958 --> 26:46:30,898
"Argh".

319
26:46:30,918 --> 26:46:32,178
It didn't really say that.

320
26:46:33,598 --> 26:46:35,578
Not till I put it there.
Now it says it.

321
26:46:35,598 --> 26:46:37,098
(LAUGHTER)

322
26:46:38,998 --> 26:46:41,258
And at first, I was so pleased
with myself, I was like,

323
26:46:41,278 --> 26:46:42,818
"Oh, my God, look at me.
I'm like a detective.

324
26:46:42,838 --> 26:46:45,538
"Yeah, just sleuthing stuff out."
And then...

325
26:46:46,918 --> 26:46:49,658
Then I went, OK, two things,
first of all,

326
26:46:49,678 --> 26:46:52,898
that is such a gross invasion of
somebody's privacy.

327
26:46:52,918 --> 26:46:56,058
But second of all, what you need
to understand about me,

328
26:46:56,078 --> 26:46:58,818
I am like a chimp on a computer.

329
26:46:58,838 --> 26:47:02,898
I pretty much just bang away at it
with two fists.

330
26:47:02,918 --> 26:47:06,298
That took me two clicks
to get into his business.

331
26:47:06,318 --> 26:47:09,778
What I'm saying, people, is if I can
find out stuff about you

332
26:47:09,798 --> 26:47:12,018
on the computer, we're fucked.

333
26:47:13,558 --> 26:47:16,658
We need to be so much more careful
about the information

334
26:47:16,678 --> 26:47:20,058
we're putting out there
and letting anybody take a look at.

335
26:47:20,078 --> 26:47:22,538
And what about the information
you don't even realise

336
26:47:22,558 --> 26:47:23,858
you're putting out there

337
26:47:23,878 --> 26:47:26,858
that your computer is collecting
about you or your mobile phone?

338
26:47:26,878 --> 26:47:28,698
Your mobile phone is always
listening to you.

339
26:47:28,718 --> 26:47:31,738
I know I sound like a conspiracy nut,
but this is happening.

340
26:47:31,758 --> 26:47:33,898
Algorithms collect your information

341
26:47:33,918 --> 26:47:36,938
and it's been happening for ages
and no one seems to care.

342
26:47:36,958 --> 26:47:38,858
Like, I thought it was all going
to kick off

343
26:47:38,878 --> 26:47:42,018
when we had that Samsung
smart TV scandal.

344
26:47:42,038 --> 26:47:43,018
Remember that?

345
26:47:43,038 --> 26:47:45,778
They proved that those televisions
were listening in to people

346
26:47:45,798 --> 26:47:47,138
in their living rooms.

347
26:47:47,158 --> 26:47:48,898
Now, I never worried about that

348
26:47:48,918 --> 26:47:50,738
because I don't have one of
those televisions.

349
26:47:50,758 --> 26:47:53,138
I know for a fact my TV
can't hear me.

350
26:47:53,158 --> 26:47:54,218
I know that

351
26:47:54,238 --> 26:47:57,698
because the number of times I've told
Tracy Grimshaw to fuck off and yet...

352
26:47:57,718 --> 26:47:59,818
(LAUGHTER)

353
26:47:59,838 --> 26:48:03,338
There she is back again,
night after night after night.

354
26:48:03,358 --> 26:48:05,458
Jesus Christ,
can't you hear me, Tracy?

355
26:48:05,478 --> 26:48:07,738
Someone give me a Samsung.
She's not listening.

356
26:48:10,758 --> 26:48:13,298
But the thing is,
algorithms collect your information.

357
26:48:13,318 --> 26:48:15,218
Every time you go online
and search for something

358
26:48:15,238 --> 26:48:17,858
it makes a little note of it,
collects data about you,

359
26:48:17,878 --> 26:48:19,258
builds up a profile of you.

360
26:48:19,278 --> 26:48:21,898
And they do it in order to target you
with advertising.

361
26:48:21,918 --> 26:48:23,098
That's what it's all about.

362
26:48:23,118 --> 26:48:27,538
And I don't need my computer knowing
how to make me buy more stuff.

363
26:48:27,558 --> 26:48:31,258
Honestly, I buy enough shit online
already without any help.

364
26:48:31,278 --> 26:48:35,818
OK, if you need proof, the last thing
I bought was some cream

365
26:48:35,838 --> 26:48:38,818
that promised to besmoothen my skin.

366
26:48:40,998 --> 26:48:43,578
Yeah, besmoothening cream.

367
26:48:43,598 --> 26:48:47,098
Now, I will admit
it was 1:00 in the morning,

368
26:48:47,118 --> 26:48:49,018
I'd had a few wines,

369
26:48:49,038 --> 26:48:51,298
but I still knew
in the back of my mind

370
26:48:51,318 --> 26:48:53,218
that besmoothening is not a word.

371
26:48:55,318 --> 26:48:58,778
Didn't stop me from dragging
a couple of those into the basket.

372
26:48:58,798 --> 26:49:00,538
And then when I saw it was PayPal
it was,

373
26:49:00,558 --> 26:49:02,858
"Well, that's free.
Let's have a couple more."

374
26:49:04,438 --> 26:49:07,818
I'm so susceptible to advertising
and suggestion.

375
26:49:07,838 --> 26:49:12,098
Like, if I'm watching a TV show and
someone has a glass of wine on it,

376
26:49:12,118 --> 26:49:13,178
I'm like this.

377
26:49:13,198 --> 26:49:17,098
"Oh... Yeah.
I wouldn't mind a glass of wine.

378
26:49:18,238 --> 26:49:21,098
"Oh, it's 10:00 in the morning,
I probably shouldn't.

379
26:49:21,118 --> 26:49:23,978
"Oh, it doesn't matter. I live by
myself. Who's going to know, right?"

380
26:49:25,998 --> 26:49:27,498
So I thought, what can I do?

381
26:49:27,518 --> 26:49:30,458
I need to look into how you can get
around the algorithms.

382
26:49:30,478 --> 26:49:33,058
Now, obviously, I've already said
I'm not tech savvy,

383
26:49:33,078 --> 26:49:36,778
OK, so I had to look at a very
manual way that you could do it.

384
26:49:36,798 --> 26:49:40,538
And the suggestion is you should
go online every day

385
26:49:40,558 --> 26:49:44,658
and search for ten things
you're not actually interested in.

386
26:49:44,678 --> 26:49:47,578
And the thinking is this will confuse
the algorithms.

387
26:49:47,598 --> 26:49:50,058
You will appear so random
because you won't be able

388
26:49:50,078 --> 26:49:52,058
to be fitted into any box
that it's got.

389
26:49:52,078 --> 26:49:53,978
It's like this person's too random
and eventually...

390
26:49:53,998 --> 26:49:55,618
(BOOM!)

391
26:49:55,638 --> 26:49:57,858
..you'll blow its tiny
algorithm mind, right?

392
26:49:58,878 --> 26:50:00,858
So I thought, well,
I'll give that a go.

393
26:50:00,878 --> 26:50:03,178
It's actually quite hard

394
26:50:03,198 --> 26:50:07,378
because if you're not interested
in something,

395
26:50:07,398 --> 26:50:09,578
it doesn't tend to pop into
your head.

396
26:50:09,598 --> 26:50:13,618
So it took me ages to think of things
that I wasn't interested in.

397
26:50:13,638 --> 26:50:18,018
The first thing I came up with was
tinned tuna sandwiches.

398
26:50:18,038 --> 26:50:20,658
I thought, that's not interesting,
type that in.

399
26:50:20,678 --> 26:50:22,618
Then I just got really angry.

400
26:50:22,638 --> 26:50:29,178
I got 117,000 results
for tinned tuna sandwich recipes.

401
26:50:29,198 --> 26:50:31,138
(LAUGHTER)

402
26:50:31,158 --> 26:50:35,938
Now, I don't even like
tinned tuna sandwiches,

403
26:50:35,958 --> 26:50:39,338
but I could hazard a guess
at how you make one...

404
26:50:41,038 --> 26:50:45,098
..without consulting the internet
for recipes.

405
26:50:45,118 --> 26:50:47,458
Can you please tell me who is at home
in the kitchen

406
26:50:47,478 --> 26:50:49,298
with the bread and the tuna going...

407
26:50:50,798 --> 26:50:53,498
(LAUGHTER)

408
26:50:59,918 --> 26:51:02,538
I don't know.
Do you reckon bread first?

409
26:51:04,998 --> 26:51:07,618
I don't want to muck it up,
I'm going to Google it.

410
26:51:09,678 --> 26:51:11,898
OK, that's not working,
that's just making me angry.

411
26:51:11,918 --> 26:51:13,778
So, do you know what
I thought of next?

412
26:51:13,798 --> 26:51:15,578
I went, "Oh, do you know what
I'm not interested in?

413
26:51:15,598 --> 26:51:17,898
"Do you know what I could be less
interested in?

414
26:51:17,918 --> 26:51:19,178
"Rugby league."

415
26:51:20,358 --> 26:51:22,578
Now, I apologise if you're
a rugby league fan,

416
26:51:22,598 --> 26:51:24,938
but I do not understand rugby league.

417
26:51:24,958 --> 26:51:28,538
I don't understand how rugby league
players still exist.

418
26:51:28,558 --> 26:51:30,138
How are they not extinct?

419
26:51:30,158 --> 26:51:33,258
They've been devolving
in front of our very eyes...

420
26:51:34,598 --> 26:51:36,538
..for a good ten to 15 years.

421
26:51:36,558 --> 26:51:42,538
I can even pinpoint when the process
of devolution took a sharp dive

422
26:51:42,558 --> 26:51:45,738
and just started plummeting back
to Neanderthal man.

423
26:51:45,758 --> 26:51:50,378
It was at the point, do you remember
there was that player who was busted

424
26:51:50,398 --> 26:51:54,298
for taking a crap
in a hotel corridor.

425
26:51:54,318 --> 26:51:57,418
Now, I'll be honest with you,
I was prepared to forgive him.

426
26:51:57,438 --> 26:51:59,978
I thought that could have been
an honest mistake.

427
26:51:59,998 --> 26:52:02,218
(LAUGHTER)

428
26:52:04,598 --> 26:52:07,698
Look, we know he's not
the sharpest tool in the shed.

429
26:52:07,718 --> 26:52:11,178
I think what might have happened
is he's come downstairs,

430
26:52:11,198 --> 26:52:13,538
he's gone up to the lass
behind the desk.

431
26:52:13,558 --> 26:52:16,538
He said, "Excuse me, miss,
where's the toilet."

432
26:52:17,558 --> 26:52:19,178
And she said, "Just go down
the hall."

433
26:52:19,198 --> 26:52:21,058
And he went, "Right, OK."

434
26:52:21,078 --> 26:52:22,938
(LAUGHTER)

435
26:52:22,958 --> 26:52:24,298
Really?

436
26:52:32,038 --> 26:52:35,898
Now, after him, quite shortly after,
we had a player...

437
26:52:37,118 --> 26:52:38,658
..who was caught pissing...

438
26:52:39,958 --> 26:52:41,458
..in his own mouth.

439
26:52:43,078 --> 26:52:45,458
OK, we're going to break
that one down

440
26:52:45,478 --> 26:52:47,978
because there's a lot to unpack here.

441
26:52:47,998 --> 26:52:52,018
And the first thing you need
to understand about this incident

442
26:52:52,038 --> 26:52:55,858
is that he was doing it of
his own volition.

443
26:52:55,878 --> 26:52:58,618
OK, it wasn't like some sort of NRL
hazing prank,

444
26:52:58,638 --> 26:53:00,138
where they held him down and said,

445
26:53:00,158 --> 26:53:01,738
"Drink your own piss.
Drink your own..."

446
26:53:01,758 --> 26:53:02,778
I'm sure they do that, too.

447
26:53:02,798 --> 26:53:04,938
But in this case,

448
26:53:04,958 --> 26:53:07,058
he was the one that said,
"Hey, guys...

449
26:53:08,078 --> 26:53:10,458
"..do you know what'd be funny?

450
26:53:10,478 --> 26:53:12,938
"If I pissed in me own mouth."

451
26:53:12,958 --> 26:53:15,498
And everyone went,
"Mate, nothing would be funnier."

452
26:53:15,518 --> 26:53:19,018
So, he was caught...

453
26:53:20,158 --> 26:53:22,738
..because there was a photograph
taken of him.

454
26:53:22,758 --> 26:53:25,218
And do you know who took
that photograph? He did.

455
26:53:25,238 --> 26:53:26,938
(LAUGHTER)

456
26:53:29,798 --> 26:53:32,498
I think we might have just solved
the mystery of who is googling,

457
26:53:32,518 --> 26:53:34,698
"How do you make
a tinned tuna sandwich?

458
26:53:37,798 --> 26:53:40,658
Now, since then, there have been
countless incidents, right?

459
26:53:40,678 --> 26:53:42,378
We've even lost track, I reckon.

460
26:53:42,398 --> 26:53:45,778
There's been, you know, the guy with
the dog pretending to do it.

461
26:53:45,798 --> 26:53:47,818
There's been peanut butter on balls
and dogs.

462
26:53:47,838 --> 26:53:50,618
There have been people in cupboards
watching other people having sex.

463
26:53:50,638 --> 26:53:52,618
There've been countless DUIs.

464
26:53:52,638 --> 26:53:55,418
There was one DUI where the guy was
so drunk he got busted

465
26:53:55,438 --> 26:53:57,578
because he drove to
the police station and said,

466
26:53:57,598 --> 26:53:59,018
"Oh, I'm driving pissed."

467
26:54:01,478 --> 26:54:03,858
What I'm saying is, we're at
the stage now

468
26:54:03,878 --> 26:54:07,258
where we're just making chimpanzees
in the zoo angry.

469
26:54:07,278 --> 26:54:09,858
Honestly, if you go to Taronga Zoo,

470
26:54:09,878 --> 26:54:13,618
you will just see an enclosure of
furious apes,

471
26:54:13,638 --> 26:54:16,058
just tapping their foot like this,
going, "Are you serious?

472
26:54:16,078 --> 26:54:17,818
"Sorry, they're out there.

473
26:54:19,198 --> 26:54:21,378
"And we're in here.

474
26:54:21,398 --> 26:54:25,098
"Open the fucking cage."
(LAUGHTER)

475
26:54:25,118 --> 26:54:27,338
It's fair enough.

476
26:54:27,358 --> 26:54:30,858
And look...
(APPLAUSE)

477
26:54:32,398 --> 26:54:34,578
I don't want to blame women, right,

478
26:54:34,598 --> 26:54:36,138
because women get the blame
for everything,

479
26:54:36,158 --> 26:54:39,818
but I think women
should stop sleeping with them.

480
26:54:39,838 --> 26:54:42,018
And I understand when it comes
to rugby league players,

481
26:54:42,038 --> 26:54:44,738
it's not always the woman's choice.
But my point is this...

482
26:54:44,758 --> 26:54:47,058
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

483
26:54:47,078 --> 26:54:48,578
My point is...

484
26:54:49,798 --> 26:54:51,818
..if women stopped sleeping
with them,

485
26:54:51,838 --> 26:54:54,858
then eventually they won't be able
to procreate.

486
26:54:54,878 --> 26:54:56,338
They'll just die out.

487
26:54:57,678 --> 26:55:00,298
And then I thought, no, that's mean.
Some people love the game.

488
26:55:00,318 --> 26:55:02,658
Be positive, be proactive,
be a fixer.

489
26:55:02,678 --> 26:55:05,698
I can fix it. I'm a fixer, right?

490
26:55:05,718 --> 26:55:07,378
I'm going to fix rugby league.
Here's what we do.

491
26:55:07,398 --> 26:55:12,498
We get all of the super smart women,
those really clever women,

492
26:55:12,518 --> 26:55:14,018
and we get them all together
and we go,

493
26:55:14,038 --> 26:55:16,058
"OK, ladies, sorry...

494
26:55:16,078 --> 26:55:17,898
(LAUGHTER)

495
26:55:17,918 --> 26:55:19,738
"..but you lot have to go out there

496
26:55:19,758 --> 26:55:21,978
"and take one from the team,
for the team."

497
26:55:23,878 --> 26:55:25,338
And do you know what that's called?

498
26:55:25,358 --> 26:55:27,698
That's called
a selective breeding program.

499
26:55:29,278 --> 26:55:31,338
And I know it will take a few years,

500
26:55:31,358 --> 26:55:34,298
but eventually we will breed out
the fuck knuckle gene.

501
26:55:34,318 --> 26:55:36,778
(LAUGHTER)
We can do it.

502
26:55:47,013 --> 26:55:49,633
and I keep getting all these
reminders for games and merchandise

503
26:55:49,653 --> 26:55:51,353
and all the latest news,
and it's driving me nuts.

504
26:55:51,373 --> 26:55:53,073
I thought, OK,
this isn't working at all.

505
26:55:53,093 --> 26:55:55,953
I've got to search for things
that aren't interesting.

506
26:55:55,973 --> 26:55:58,513
I'm searching for things
I don't like,

507
26:55:58,533 --> 26:56:01,673
whereas it should be something that's
just banal and boring and benign.

508
26:56:01,693 --> 26:56:04,113
And I went, I've got it, I've got it.

509
26:56:04,133 --> 26:56:06,713
The history of buttons.

510
26:56:08,213 --> 26:56:09,753
Now, do you know what the problem
with that is?

511
26:56:09,773 --> 26:56:11,793
Turns out it's fascinating.
(LAUGHTER)

512
26:56:13,613 --> 26:56:17,753
So not only have I wasted an hour
reading about the history of buttons,

513
26:56:17,773 --> 26:56:19,193
which I highly recommend.

514
26:56:20,293 --> 26:56:22,633
I've also now tipped off my computer
that I'm interested

515
26:56:22,653 --> 26:56:24,313
in the history of buttons.
It knows that about me.

516
26:56:24,333 --> 26:56:27,353
It's like, "Oh, Goddammit,
this isn't working at all."

517
26:56:27,373 --> 26:56:31,353
And I just had to stop and go relax.
It's OK.

518
26:56:31,373 --> 26:56:35,473
The rise of the machines is not going
to happen. I know that.

519
26:56:35,493 --> 26:56:38,953
I know that humans will always
be able to outthink algorithms.

520
26:56:38,973 --> 26:56:41,513
And I know that because of something
that happened

521
26:56:41,533 --> 26:56:43,073
to my mum quite recently.

522
26:56:43,093 --> 26:56:45,393
Now, I need to give you a little bit
of family history here

523
26:56:45,413 --> 26:56:47,113
so you understand how
the family works.

524
26:56:47,133 --> 26:56:53,233
OK, so in my family, there's
my sister and I very close in age.

525
26:56:53,253 --> 26:56:54,793
There's a big gap,
there's my brother.

526
26:56:54,813 --> 26:56:57,473
Obviously there's my mum,
who I look a lot like.

527
26:56:57,493 --> 26:56:59,993
Apparently we're spitting image,
people always say.

528
26:57:00,013 --> 26:57:02,553
Sometimes people say this to us,
"Oh, my God, are you sisters?"

529
26:57:02,573 --> 26:57:04,873
Yeah, that's a compliment
for one person.

530
26:57:04,893 --> 26:57:06,353
(LAUGHTER)

531
26:57:08,973 --> 26:57:10,793
Do you know what it does
for the other person?

532
26:57:10,813 --> 26:57:12,833
It makes them go online and buy
besmoothening cream

533
26:57:12,853 --> 26:57:14,833
at 1.00 in the morning.
(LAUGHTER)

534
26:57:17,013 --> 26:57:20,353
So I look like a 76-year-old woman.

535
26:57:20,373 --> 26:57:21,833
That's good news.

536
26:57:21,853 --> 26:57:25,953
And then the news gets even better
because apparently my personality

537
26:57:25,973 --> 26:57:27,593
is just like my dad's.

538
26:57:27,613 --> 26:57:30,593
So I have the personality
of an 80-year-old grumpy man.

539
26:57:30,613 --> 26:57:33,473
So... And it's true.

540
26:57:33,493 --> 26:57:35,193
My dad and I do have the same trait.

541
26:57:35,213 --> 26:57:38,033
We get really, really angry
about really stupid things

542
26:57:38,053 --> 26:57:39,073
that don't matter.

543
26:57:39,093 --> 26:57:41,353
But the difference is my dad
has a reason for it.

544
26:57:41,373 --> 26:57:42,513
I was over there the other day.

545
26:57:42,533 --> 26:57:44,473
Dad's watching a documentary
on World War Two.

546
26:57:44,493 --> 26:57:45,913
Mum and I are in the kitchen

547
26:57:45,933 --> 26:57:50,273
and all we can hear coming from
the living room is this monologue

548
26:57:50,293 --> 26:57:54,713
as Dad fact checks and corrects
the entire program

549
26:57:54,733 --> 26:57:56,913
from start to finish
as it goes along.

550
26:57:56,933 --> 26:57:58,633
We're just listening to this...

551
26:57:58,653 --> 26:58:01,673
"What? Why are they showing
the Russians using a Bren gun

552
26:58:01,693 --> 26:58:02,793
"at that stage of the war?

553
26:58:02,813 --> 26:58:04,993
"The Russians didn't use the Bren
gun, then. That's a British gun.

554
26:58:05,013 --> 26:58:06,073
"It was adapted from a Czech gun.

555
26:58:06,093 --> 26:58:08,073
"But the Russians certainly
weren't using it at that stage.

556
26:58:08,093 --> 26:58:09,673
"That's ridiculous.
That's a schoolboy error.

557
26:58:09,693 --> 26:58:11,513
"They should have had
a schoolboy fact check this show.

558
26:58:11,533 --> 26:58:13,153
"I tell you what,
that's absolutely ridiculous.

559
26:58:13,173 --> 26:58:15,313
"Is this a documentary?
Maybe it's not a documentary.

560
26:58:15,333 --> 26:58:17,393
"Maybe it's an ill-researched
mini series

561
26:58:17,413 --> 26:58:19,793
"'cause they shouldn't be allowed
to put that there. That's fake news.

562
26:58:19,813 --> 26:58:21,553
"I tell you. That's what fake news is
right there,

563
26:58:21,573 --> 26:58:23,673
"happening on the History Channel
right in front of my face.

564
26:58:23,693 --> 26:58:25,513
"Oh, hang on, I think we're OK.
I think...(LAUGHS)

565
26:58:25,533 --> 26:58:27,153
"I think we might be watching
a comedy

566
26:58:27,173 --> 26:58:29,593
"because they've just said that's
a Lancaster bomber.

567
26:58:29,613 --> 26:58:32,153
"That's not a Lancaster bomber,
that's a Halifax bomber

568
26:58:32,173 --> 26:58:33,353
"They've both got four propellers

569
26:58:33,373 --> 26:58:34,913
"and that's about where
the similarity ends.

570
26:58:34,933 --> 26:58:36,353
"I can't believe
they wouldn't know that.

571
26:58:36,373 --> 26:58:38,473
"Oh, yeah, definitely a comedy,
because here we go. Here we go.

572
26:58:38,493 --> 26:58:40,993
"I've heard this,
heard this joke before.

573
26:58:41,013 --> 26:58:43,993
"60 million dead,
apparently in World War two.

574
26:58:44,013 --> 26:58:47,033
"60 million. It was 60,000,014.

575
26:58:47,053 --> 26:58:51,513
"Do the numbers, check your stats.
It's not hard, right?"

576
26:58:51,533 --> 26:58:54,553
My dad knows absolutely everything

577
26:58:54,573 --> 26:58:57,153
except how to change
the fucking channel, apparently.

578
26:58:57,173 --> 26:58:58,993
But...
(LAUGHTER)

579
26:58:59,013 --> 26:59:02,113
But I can't fault him because
I'm a dumbed down version of him.

580
26:59:02,133 --> 26:59:03,233
Right.

581
26:59:03,253 --> 26:59:06,673
I caught myself watching
the Discovery Channel the other day,

582
26:59:06,693 --> 26:59:09,753
watching a documentary about
harbour porpoises.

583
26:59:09,773 --> 26:59:11,953
I know what you're thinking.

584
26:59:11,973 --> 26:59:16,233
"Wow, aren't you a fun family,
always watching documentaries."

585
26:59:16,253 --> 26:59:17,593
But do you know what it is?

586
26:59:17,613 --> 26:59:19,793
I think it's 'cause we know
it's safe viewing.

587
26:59:19,813 --> 26:59:23,113
Like, 'cause there won't be any
sex scenes in the documentaries,

588
26:59:23,133 --> 26:59:25,113
so we just stick to those channels.

589
26:59:25,133 --> 26:59:28,633
But I was getting really, really
angry watching this documentary.

590
26:59:28,653 --> 26:59:30,193
This is what I had to listen to.

591
26:59:31,773 --> 26:59:36,833
(IMITATES AMERICAN ACCENT)
"Harbour porpoise sex
has never been filmed before

592
26:59:36,853 --> 26:59:40,393
"because it lasts for one second.

593
26:59:40,413 --> 26:59:43,313
"The male charges at the female

594
26:59:43,333 --> 26:59:47,233
"and tries to penetrate her
at full speed."

595
26:59:50,053 --> 26:59:52,473
They're the rugby league players of
the sea, apparently.

596
26:59:52,493 --> 26:59:54,993
(LAUGHTER)

597
26:59:58,333 --> 27:00:01,793
"His aim must be true,
because he has but one second

598
27:00:01,813 --> 27:00:06,993
"to manoeuvre his penis, which is
one third the length of his body.

599
27:00:14,853 --> 27:00:16,633
That will be like...

600
27:00:24,093 --> 27:00:27,113
That's tubular.
(LAUGHTER)

601
27:00:28,613 --> 27:00:33,513
"To manoeuvre his penis
into the vaginal opening."

602
27:00:35,173 --> 27:00:38,953
Now, let me tell you what was making
me angry.

603
27:00:38,973 --> 27:00:42,673
I wasn't disputing the facts
being presented.

604
27:00:42,693 --> 27:00:46,313
I wasn't even disputing the fact
that she said vaginal.

605
27:00:48,013 --> 27:00:51,953
But the thing is, I have no idea
if those are...

606
27:00:51,973 --> 27:00:54,113
Are they true statements or not?
Who knows?

607
27:00:54,133 --> 27:00:55,713
So that wasn't what was upsetting me.

608
27:00:55,733 --> 27:01:00,393
I mean, maybe harbour porpoises
have massive ones, maybe they don't.

609
27:01:00,413 --> 27:01:04,113
I don't know. Maybe one
harbour porpoise has a big one.

610
27:01:04,133 --> 27:01:06,673
And now all the rest of the harbour
porpoises are swimming around going,

611
27:01:06,693 --> 27:01:09,313
"Oh, thank God they filmed Kevin
for the doco."

612
27:01:09,333 --> 27:01:11,233
(LAUGHTER)

613
27:01:11,253 --> 27:01:15,353
"Because now we've all got the rep'
of king cock of the sea. Woo!"

614
27:01:15,373 --> 27:01:17,433
Who knows?

615
27:01:17,453 --> 27:01:19,953
That's not why I was getting angry.

616
27:01:19,973 --> 27:01:25,273
I was annoyed because they had
an American doing the voiceover.

617
27:01:25,293 --> 27:01:28,153
And see, I can say the words
harbour porpoise.

618
27:01:28,173 --> 27:01:29,993
So can you. Harbour porpoise.

619
27:01:30,013 --> 27:01:32,193
For an Australian, the words
harbour porpoise

620
27:01:32,213 --> 27:01:33,393
could not be simpler.

621
27:01:34,493 --> 27:01:37,433
But for an American,
the words...

622
27:01:37,453 --> 27:01:39,713
..(IMITATES AMERICAN ACCENT)
harbour porpoise...

623
27:01:41,413 --> 27:01:43,273
..are quite difficult.

624
27:01:43,293 --> 27:01:47,153
Because of the emphasis they put on
the R sound in their accent,

625
27:01:47,173 --> 27:01:50,993
harbour porpoise
is quite a mouth mangler.

626
27:01:51,013 --> 27:01:53,273
And I've got American friends
and I've asked them to have a go

627
27:01:53,293 --> 27:01:54,633
to test it and they go...

628
27:01:54,653 --> 27:01:56,313
(IMITATES AMERICAN ACCENT)
"Harbour porpoise.

629
27:01:56,333 --> 27:01:57,953
"Yeah, you're right.
It's quite hard."

630
27:01:59,413 --> 27:02:03,273
They all agree the only thing harder
would be if the harbour porpoise

631
27:02:03,293 --> 27:02:06,153
was a Mormon.
(LAUGHTER)

632
27:02:15,313 --> 27:02:20,613
OK, my mum discovered that somebody
had been using her computer

633
27:02:20,633 --> 27:02:21,933
to look at porn.

634
27:02:23,033 --> 27:02:25,813
Now, we don't know for sure
who it was.

635
27:02:27,033 --> 27:02:28,693
We know who it wasn't.

636
27:02:28,713 --> 27:02:30,853
OK, so we know it wasn't my mum.

637
27:02:30,873 --> 27:02:32,013
It wasn't me.

638
27:02:32,033 --> 27:02:34,773
It wasn't my sister,
and it wasn't my dad.

639
27:02:34,793 --> 27:02:38,293
It, it... I'm telling you,
it definitely was not my dad.

640
27:02:38,313 --> 27:02:40,133
My dad could not watch porn.

641
27:02:40,153 --> 27:02:41,613
He would watch it like this.

642
27:02:44,193 --> 27:02:45,813
"Oh, well, that's inaccurate."

643
27:02:45,833 --> 27:02:47,533
(LAUGHTER)

644
27:02:49,193 --> 27:02:51,173
"No one does that."

645
27:02:51,193 --> 27:02:53,333
And he'd be quite right. But...

646
27:02:54,353 --> 27:02:56,533
So we think...

647
27:02:56,553 --> 27:02:59,413
We think it must have been
the cleaner.

648
27:02:59,433 --> 27:03:03,693
And we think that because when my mum
asked my brother,

649
27:03:03,713 --> 27:03:05,893
"Have you been using my computer
to look at porn?"

650
27:03:05,913 --> 27:03:08,373
He said, "No, it must have been
the cleaner."

651
27:03:08,393 --> 27:03:09,973
(LAUGHTER)

652
27:03:11,633 --> 27:03:13,413
So we're going with that.

653
27:03:14,953 --> 27:03:17,773
And I'll be honest with you,
does it really seem that weird

654
27:03:17,793 --> 27:03:20,893
that a 45-year-old Korean woman
would be looking at porn

655
27:03:20,913 --> 27:03:23,373
instead of doing the vacuuming?
(LAUGHTER)

656
27:03:26,753 --> 27:03:29,853
OK, but what was odd,
I will grant you this.

657
27:03:33,273 --> 27:03:35,973
What was odd was the website
she was looking at.

658
27:03:37,473 --> 27:03:39,493
Which was a website called...

659
27:03:41,273 --> 27:03:43,053
..Steaming Holes.

660
27:03:46,633 --> 27:03:49,053
Steaming Holes.

661
27:03:50,513 --> 27:03:52,293
Now, again,
let's not rush to judgement.

662
27:03:52,313 --> 27:03:55,333
We don't know, maybe she was
researching a holiday to Rotorua,

663
27:03:55,353 --> 27:03:57,333
a couple of wrong clicks,

664
27:03:57,353 --> 27:04:01,573
suddenly she finds herself
at this obscene porn website.

665
27:04:01,593 --> 27:04:03,693
Who knows? Benefit of the doubt.

666
27:04:05,313 --> 27:04:10,373
The problem for me is I just didn't
know how to feel about the existence

667
27:04:10,393 --> 27:04:11,653
of this website.

668
27:04:11,673 --> 27:04:16,693
I didn't know whether to be angry
or sad or depressed.

669
27:04:16,713 --> 27:04:19,333
And do you know what I settled on?
Exhausted.

670
27:04:20,793 --> 27:04:23,773
The existence of this website
exhausts me.

671
27:04:23,793 --> 27:04:26,573
I think we really need to draw a line

672
27:04:26,593 --> 27:04:28,733
under the expectations
we put on women.

673
27:04:28,753 --> 27:04:29,773
Enough is enough.

674
27:04:29,793 --> 27:04:33,013
It's got to stop because it's just
been increasing

675
27:04:33,033 --> 27:04:35,573
just bit by bit by bit.

676
27:04:35,593 --> 27:04:37,173
And people think,
"Oh, they'll never notice.

677
27:04:37,193 --> 27:04:38,493
"We'll just keep taking it up."

678
27:04:38,513 --> 27:04:41,093
Like, if you think back, OK,
I reckon it all started,

679
27:04:41,113 --> 27:04:43,173
maybe it was the '70s,

680
27:04:43,193 --> 27:04:46,893
when somebody made the suggestion
that women

681
27:04:46,913 --> 27:04:50,013
should just tidy themselves up a bit
down there.

682
27:04:51,353 --> 27:04:54,613
Instead of walking around
looking like you've got a pair of
fur underpants on,

683
27:04:54,633 --> 27:04:58,493
just do a bit of trimming,
neaten it up,

684
27:04:58,513 --> 27:04:59,773
have a little triangle.

685
27:04:59,793 --> 27:05:01,773
And we all went, you know what,
I don't mind a triangle.

686
27:05:01,793 --> 27:05:03,813
That's a good shape, I'm in, right?

687
27:05:05,113 --> 27:05:08,093
But then what happens is
that becomes the norm

688
27:05:08,113 --> 27:05:09,853
and then they raise the bar.

689
27:05:09,873 --> 27:05:12,333
Then it becomes, "Oh, triangles
are boring.

690
27:05:12,353 --> 27:05:15,773
"God, you know what you need to do?
Do some shapes down there."

691
27:05:15,793 --> 27:05:17,933
"What about a strip?
What about a heart?

692
27:05:17,953 --> 27:05:20,853
"What about a star shape?
Just get creative with it.

693
27:05:20,873 --> 27:05:23,133
"Do some topiary, get involved."

694
27:05:23,153 --> 27:05:24,693
(LAUGHTER)

695
27:05:26,193 --> 27:05:29,133
Now, the bar's here,
then they take it up again.

696
27:05:29,153 --> 27:05:32,933
"Oh, what have you even got
that stuff down there for?

697
27:05:32,953 --> 27:05:35,693
"Get rid of it. Wax it off.
Have a bald beaver.

698
27:05:35,713 --> 27:05:37,573
"Let some air get round that thing.

699
27:05:37,593 --> 27:05:39,213
"Go on, you don't need it.

700
27:05:39,233 --> 27:05:41,133
"There's nothing weird about
walking around

701
27:05:41,153 --> 27:05:42,973
"looking like an eight-year-old
child. Take it off."

702
27:05:42,993 --> 27:05:44,773
(LAUGHTER)

703
27:05:45,993 --> 27:05:48,613
Now we're here.
Then what happens next?

704
27:05:48,633 --> 27:05:51,133
"Oh, God, that's a bit plain.

705
27:05:51,153 --> 27:05:54,053
"You know what you need down there?
Some jewellery. Yeah."

706
27:05:55,073 --> 27:05:57,053
"Oh, you want to vajazzle
that thing up."

707
27:05:58,593 --> 27:06:00,293
Because that's what you want,
isn't it, ladies?

708
27:06:00,313 --> 27:06:02,933
You want to drop your pants,
have some sparkle-arkle down there.

709
27:06:04,353 --> 27:06:06,693
I know that's what I want
when I take my trousers off,

710
27:06:06,713 --> 27:06:08,413
the Christmas fucking lights.

711
27:06:08,433 --> 27:06:10,253
(LAUGHTER)

712
27:06:10,273 --> 27:06:11,693
It's a health and safety issue.

713
27:06:11,713 --> 27:06:15,773
I mean, if there's a blackout
tonight, just...follow me home.

714
27:06:16,953 --> 27:06:19,053
I will lead you out.

715
27:06:19,073 --> 27:06:20,613
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

716
27:06:20,633 --> 27:06:23,533
Like an x-rated star of Bethlehem.
Look at me.

717
27:06:28,713 --> 27:06:30,653
It just never ends.

718
27:06:30,673 --> 27:06:32,533
They just keep raising that bar.

719
27:06:32,553 --> 27:06:37,613
We're at the stage now where women
and I'm including young women here,

720
27:06:37,633 --> 27:06:41,093
women are getting surgery
on their area.

721
27:06:42,113 --> 27:06:44,133
That's what I call it.
That's my area.

722
27:06:45,753 --> 27:06:49,973
But it's a serious thing,
they're getting cosmetic surgery.

723
27:06:49,993 --> 27:06:51,293
And I will admit to you,

724
27:06:51,313 --> 27:06:54,093
I have forgotten the name
of the surgery,

725
27:06:54,113 --> 27:06:56,173
which is why I'm up here just...

726
27:06:57,233 --> 27:06:58,253
..whacking away down..

727
27:06:58,273 --> 27:07:01,133
I was about to call it a flap job,
and I know that's not right.

728
27:07:01,153 --> 27:07:02,733
(LAUGHTER)

729
27:07:04,393 --> 27:07:06,733
I know. I was going so well
and didn't I just fall off

730
27:07:06,753 --> 27:07:08,613
my feminist high horse with a thud,
then!

731
27:07:10,433 --> 27:07:13,133
What is the surgery I'm talking about
that they have? You know.

732
27:07:13,153 --> 27:07:15,053
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Labiaplasty.
Labiaplasty. Thank you.

733
27:07:15,073 --> 27:07:17,533
And from a man. Thank you, sir.
God almighty.
(LAUGHTER)

734
27:07:17,553 --> 27:07:19,533
You put me to shame. Thank you.

735
27:07:19,553 --> 27:07:21,093
I beg your pardon.

736
27:07:22,353 --> 27:07:25,573
Labiaplasty. God.

737
27:07:25,593 --> 27:07:28,093
That'd get me kicked off
Master Surgeon in a hurry,
wouldn't it?

738
27:07:28,113 --> 27:07:29,893
(LAUGHTER)

739
27:07:29,913 --> 27:07:32,293
"What are you doing tonight, Kitty?"
"I thought I'd do a flap job. No?

740
27:07:32,313 --> 27:07:34,893
"Oh, Goddammit!"
(LAUGHTER)

741
27:07:34,913 --> 27:07:36,813
I wasn't ready for the journey
to end.

742
27:07:42,793 --> 27:07:44,173
People would say,
"What happened to you?"

743
27:07:44,193 --> 27:07:46,093
I'd go, "Oh, failed the mystery box
challenge."

744
27:07:46,113 --> 27:07:48,293
But, no, this is...
(LAUGHTER)

745
27:07:48,313 --> 27:07:51,013
Come on. This is a serious issue.

746
27:07:51,033 --> 27:07:54,093
Let's get back on track,
back on the horse.

747
27:07:56,313 --> 27:07:57,453
This is a real thing.

748
27:07:57,473 --> 27:08:00,053
Women are getting this surgery
and the thing that's alarming

749
27:08:00,073 --> 27:08:03,573
is they're getting it
for cosmetic reasons, right.

750
27:08:03,593 --> 27:08:07,213
I... I met this young woman
and she was young and I said,

751
27:08:07,233 --> 27:08:09,293
"Well, why on Earth
would you do that?"

752
27:08:09,313 --> 27:08:11,013
And she just shrugged,
like it was nothing.

753
27:08:11,033 --> 27:08:13,373
She went, "Pff,
'cause it doesn't look nice."

754
27:08:13,393 --> 27:08:16,933
I said, "Oh, my God. If it doesn't
look nice, put some pants on."

755
27:08:16,953 --> 27:08:18,893
(LAUGHTER)

756
27:08:23,273 --> 27:08:25,533
Also, quick question,

757
27:08:25,553 --> 27:08:27,533
who's down there
with their eyes open?

758
27:08:31,353 --> 27:08:33,373
If anyone ever looked up at me
and said,

759
27:08:33,393 --> 27:08:35,053
"Oh, you're not looking good
down here, Kit."

760
27:08:35,073 --> 27:08:36,813
I'd say,
"Shut your eyes or fuck off."

761
27:08:36,833 --> 27:08:38,453
(LAUGHTER)

762
27:08:41,993 --> 27:08:46,973
But now, do you see what's happening?

763
27:08:46,993 --> 27:08:50,253
All of that isn't enough either.

764
27:08:50,273 --> 27:08:54,373
According to this website,
Steaming Holes,

765
27:08:54,393 --> 27:08:58,253
now, ladies, apparently we're also
expected to produce

766
27:08:58,273 --> 27:09:01,573
some kind of magical sauna effect
out of there.

767
27:09:03,873 --> 27:09:05,773
I don't even know what that's for.

768
27:09:05,793 --> 27:09:07,653
What are you supposed to do?
Look at your partner and go,

769
27:09:07,673 --> 27:09:09,933
"Alright, first, I'm going to do you,

770
27:09:09,953 --> 27:09:12,013
"but then I'm going to do
these carpets."

771
27:09:12,033 --> 27:09:13,653
(LAUGHTER)

772
27:09:13,673 --> 27:09:18,413
Ssst. Ssst. Ssst.

773
27:09:18,433 --> 27:09:20,533
Actually, I might have a go at
the grout in the bathroom

774
27:09:20,553 --> 27:09:22,693
while I've got this steam up.

775
27:09:22,713 --> 27:09:25,213
Ssst. Ssst. Ssst. Ssst. Ssst. Ssst.

776
27:09:25,233 --> 27:09:26,893
Oh, that's come up a treat.

777
27:09:26,913 --> 27:09:29,413
(LAUGHTER)

778
27:09:29,433 --> 27:09:31,093
What's that?
All stand on the driveway?

779
27:09:31,113 --> 27:09:34,013
Yeah, why not. I've got a Karcher
in my pants, let's go for it.

780
27:09:34,033 --> 27:09:35,493
Pssst.

781
27:09:35,513 --> 27:09:37,133
Just..

782
27:09:38,433 --> 27:09:41,053
Look, I promised... I will move on.

783
27:09:42,913 --> 27:09:46,373
I will. I know, I can sense, I've
stayed way too long in the area,

784
27:09:46,393 --> 27:09:47,933
but I just...

785
27:09:47,953 --> 27:09:50,093
I just have one final question
and that is this,

786
27:09:50,113 --> 27:09:53,933
has anybody here ever had
a steam burn?

787
27:09:53,953 --> 27:09:55,853
Because, see, I have

788
27:09:55,873 --> 27:09:59,173
and I'm here to tell you it is some
seriously painful shit.

789
27:09:59,193 --> 27:10:02,413
So what I'm saying is,
if I was a man,

790
27:10:02,433 --> 27:10:05,013
the last place I'd want to be waving
my wang

791
27:10:05,033 --> 27:10:06,893
is in a steaming fucking hole!

792
27:10:06,913 --> 27:10:08,573
(LAUGHTER)

793
27:10:11,753 --> 27:10:13,413
(APPLAUSE)

794
27:10:18,668 --> 27:10:20,688
I've gotta rehydrate,
I lost a lot of steam there.

795
27:10:20,708 --> 27:10:22,328
(LAUGHTER)

796
27:10:25,748 --> 27:10:28,288
Anyway, the reason that
we discovered

797
27:10:28,308 --> 27:10:30,808
that the cleaner... Hm.

798
27:10:30,828 --> 27:10:35,088
..was looking at this website
is because algorithms are stupid.

799
27:10:35,108 --> 27:10:37,568
They can't think like a human can.

800
27:10:37,588 --> 27:10:42,128
OK, so if a human had been going
through my mum's search history,

801
27:10:42,148 --> 27:10:46,008
a human would have spotted
Steaming Holes

802
27:10:46,028 --> 27:10:48,888
as an anomaly like that,

803
27:10:48,908 --> 27:10:51,648
because this is what my mum's
search history looks like.

804
27:10:51,668 --> 27:10:53,328
Sale on at David Jones.

805
27:10:53,348 --> 27:10:54,768
Opening times at Myer.

806
27:10:54,788 --> 27:10:58,128
23cm non-stick frying pan?

807
27:10:58,148 --> 27:11:00,928
Cashmere cardigans on sale anyway.

808
27:11:00,948 --> 27:11:02,528
Best ever scone recipe.

809
27:11:02,548 --> 27:11:04,928
How much water do you give
a maidenhair fern?

810
27:11:04,948 --> 27:11:07,088
Where does Sandra Sully buy
her earrings?

811
27:11:08,108 --> 27:11:09,808
Steaming Holes.

812
27:11:11,868 --> 27:11:13,848
Found it.

813
27:11:13,868 --> 27:11:15,728
One of these things
is not like the other.

814
27:11:17,628 --> 27:11:21,248
An algorithm, however,
went through my mum's search history,

815
27:11:21,268 --> 27:11:26,448
got to Steaming Holes and decided
to send my mum a message,

816
27:11:26,468 --> 27:11:29,248
just a little box that popped up
on a screen that said,

817
27:11:29,268 --> 27:11:31,088
"Are you horny?"

818
27:11:31,108 --> 27:11:32,648
(LAUGHTER)

819
27:11:35,348 --> 27:11:37,448
"Are you horny?"

820
27:11:38,548 --> 27:11:40,728
Let me tell you something about
my mum.

821
27:11:42,068 --> 27:11:47,408
She has never in her life
been horny.

822
27:11:47,428 --> 27:11:49,768
OK.

823
27:11:49,788 --> 27:11:50,888
I'm not kidding.

824
27:11:50,908 --> 27:11:54,248
Not even back in the day
when she was young and hot to trot

825
27:11:54,268 --> 27:11:59,848
and good to go, my mum would never
have been horny.

826
27:11:59,868 --> 27:12:01,968
Do you know why?
Because my mum is a lady.

827
27:12:01,988 --> 27:12:05,248
At best, my mum would have been
a tad urgent.

828
27:12:05,268 --> 27:12:07,448
(LAUGHTER)

829
27:12:07,468 --> 27:12:09,728
Because that's what a lady gets,
a tad urgent.

830
27:12:11,068 --> 27:12:13,048
But that's the thing, isn't it,
horny?

831
27:12:13,068 --> 27:12:15,608
That is a word that comes straight
from porn.

832
27:12:15,628 --> 27:12:17,368
No one used to say that 20 years ago.

833
27:12:17,388 --> 27:12:20,688
But now with porn, horny,
people are saying horny.

834
27:12:20,708 --> 27:12:24,448
And look, I don't mind if you
watch porn, that's fine.

835
27:12:24,468 --> 27:12:29,088
What I'm saying is I think
we could stop making porn today

836
27:12:29,108 --> 27:12:32,848
and there would still be enough
for everyone forever.

837
27:12:32,868 --> 27:12:35,408
(LAUGHTER)

838
27:12:35,428 --> 27:12:36,448
I'm not kidding.

839
27:12:36,468 --> 27:12:40,128
You could go home tonight
and start watching porn

840
27:12:40,148 --> 27:12:41,368
till the day you die.

841
27:12:41,388 --> 27:12:44,488
You will pull your cock off
before you run out of porn.

842
27:12:45,748 --> 27:12:46,928
We don't need any more.

843
27:12:46,948 --> 27:12:49,128
I think they could put a sign up
on the internet that says,

844
27:12:49,148 --> 27:12:51,368
"Fuck off, we're full for porn."
I just...

845
27:12:54,188 --> 27:12:58,128
And I always feel quite grateful
to be this age when it comes to porn,

846
27:12:58,148 --> 27:13:02,608
because by the time, for me,
by the time porn became so ubiquitous

847
27:13:02,628 --> 27:13:05,088
with the advent of the internet,
I feel really fortunate

848
27:13:05,108 --> 27:13:07,448
that I was already old enough
to know the difference

849
27:13:07,468 --> 27:13:10,208
between real sex and porn sex.

850
27:13:10,228 --> 27:13:12,488
But I do worry about young people.

851
27:13:12,508 --> 27:13:15,648
You know, like, I'm talking about
teenagers and preteens

852
27:13:15,668 --> 27:13:19,408
because their first exposure to sex
now comes through the internet,

853
27:13:19,428 --> 27:13:20,848
guaranteed. OK?

854
27:13:20,868 --> 27:13:24,368
Even if you think your kids
aren't seeing it, guess what?

855
27:13:24,388 --> 27:13:26,368
There's a little fucker at school
that's showing them.

856
27:13:26,388 --> 27:13:28,208
(LAUGHTER)
OK.

857
27:13:28,228 --> 27:13:30,848
And if there isn't a little fucker
showing your kid stuff,

858
27:13:30,868 --> 27:13:33,248
your kid is that little fucker.
So just be aware of that.

859
27:13:33,268 --> 27:13:34,968
(LAUGHTER)

860
27:13:37,588 --> 27:13:41,968
So we need to talk to them about it,
and especially to the young girls.

861
27:13:41,988 --> 27:13:44,288
We need to tell them that what
they're seeing on the screens

862
27:13:44,308 --> 27:13:46,888
is not what real people do.
That is not real sex.

863
27:13:46,908 --> 27:13:49,048
It's really important for
Gen-X women, I reckon,

864
27:13:49,068 --> 27:13:50,248
to spread the message.

865
27:13:50,268 --> 27:13:51,848
Like, I want to talk to
the young girls and say,

866
27:13:51,868 --> 27:13:54,608
"Hey, hey, hey, listen to me.
You listen to Auntie Kit.

867
27:13:54,628 --> 27:13:56,448
"What you're seeing on the screens,
that's not real.

868
27:13:56,468 --> 27:13:57,768
Don't you believe that for a minute.

869
27:13:57,788 --> 27:14:00,848
Listen, if you take one thing away
from what I tell you today,
let it be this -

870
27:14:00,868 --> 27:14:04,448
You absolutely, categorically
do not have to take it up the ass.

871
27:14:04,468 --> 27:14:06,048
That's right. I've said it.

872
27:14:06,068 --> 27:14:08,128
It's not normal.
It's not standard practice.

873
27:14:08,148 --> 27:14:10,808
And I guarantee everyone's
not doing it.

874
27:14:10,828 --> 27:14:13,928
Now, relax, Parramatta, that's not
a moral judgement call, OK?

875
27:14:13,948 --> 27:14:15,208
(LAUGHTER)

876
27:14:15,228 --> 27:14:18,928
If that is what you like doing,
woo!

877
27:14:18,948 --> 27:14:21,408
You can stick it in your ear
for all I care, right.

878
27:14:21,428 --> 27:14:24,048
I do not mind what consenting adults
are doing

879
27:14:24,068 --> 27:14:27,168
in the privacy of their own home.
I'm talking about young people.

880
27:14:27,188 --> 27:14:29,528
Never had any kind of
sexual experience before.

881
27:14:29,548 --> 27:14:32,448
Do you know where you don't start?
I'll tell you - up the bum.

882
27:14:32,468 --> 27:14:36,128
Yeah, that right there,
not a starting area.

883
27:14:39,468 --> 27:14:41,008
Now, do you see what's happened?

884
27:14:42,188 --> 27:14:44,128
You've all got very tense.

885
27:14:44,148 --> 27:14:45,488
(LAUGHTER)

886
27:14:46,948 --> 27:14:50,208
In fact, I would go so far as to say
you have all grown an inch

887
27:14:50,228 --> 27:14:53,928
as you've clinched
and risen up as one.

888
27:14:55,428 --> 27:14:56,688
And this is proving my point.

889
27:14:56,708 --> 27:14:59,688
You see, we need to talk about it
instead of just getting uncomfortable

890
27:14:59,708 --> 27:15:01,648
and going, "Oh, just let them
work it out for themselves."

891
27:15:01,668 --> 27:15:04,968
No, no, we've got to tell them.
And, men, don't get uncomfortable.

892
27:15:04,988 --> 27:15:07,008
This isn't going to be,
I'm not going to do any man bashing.

893
27:15:07,028 --> 27:15:10,528
I know it's hard for you now
since women started talking, but...

894
27:15:10,548 --> 27:15:12,128
(LAUGHTER)

895
27:15:13,508 --> 27:15:15,248
Let me do the opposite for you.

896
27:15:15,268 --> 27:15:19,968
Let me, in fact, pay tribute to men
of my own generation, OK?

897
27:15:19,988 --> 27:15:24,368
Because I think Gen X men
are always very respectful

898
27:15:24,388 --> 27:15:26,888
about that particular practice.

899
27:15:26,908 --> 27:15:29,648
The only thing you'll ever get
from a Gen X man

900
27:15:29,668 --> 27:15:33,528
is a bit of what I call
'accidental bummery'.

901
27:15:33,548 --> 27:15:35,888
(LAUGHTER)

902
27:15:38,268 --> 27:15:39,448
OK.

903
27:15:41,908 --> 27:15:45,968
There's a few people looking blank.
(LAUGHTER)

904
27:15:45,988 --> 27:15:48,088
And here's the thing,
I think you probably do know

905
27:15:48,108 --> 27:15:49,688
what I'm talking about.

906
27:15:49,708 --> 27:15:53,208
You just didn't realise
there's a term for it now.

907
27:15:53,228 --> 27:15:56,048
So I'm going to explain to you
what accidental bummery is

908
27:15:56,068 --> 27:15:58,368
and then you'll go, "Oh, that, yes.
I know what that is."

909
27:15:58,388 --> 27:16:03,328
OK, so, it's when you're
in the moment

910
27:16:03,348 --> 27:16:06,488
with your gentleman caller,
shall we say.

911
27:16:06,508 --> 27:16:08,728
You're both a tad urgent.
I'll tell you that much.

912
27:16:10,388 --> 27:16:13,728
And you've been working towards
the critical moment, you know,

913
27:16:13,748 --> 27:16:17,008
and it's all about to happen
and it's getting closer and closer.

914
27:16:17,028 --> 27:16:21,248
And then, "Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh. Up,
up, up, up a bit, up a bit. Yeah."

915
27:16:21,268 --> 27:16:22,488
(LAUGHTER)

916
27:16:22,508 --> 27:16:24,168
No, no, no, no, no, that's not it.

917
27:16:24,188 --> 27:16:26,408
Just a little higher, sir,
if you would.

918
27:16:28,028 --> 27:16:30,168
Yeah, there's... OK, OK,
there's two there.

919
27:16:30,188 --> 27:16:31,968
It's the one on the top.

920
27:16:31,988 --> 27:16:34,128
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, there we go and we're away.

921
27:16:36,348 --> 27:16:37,688
And...

922
27:16:41,188 --> 27:16:44,008
What I... What I love about
the Gen X men

923
27:16:44,028 --> 27:16:46,128
is you'll never get a protest.

924
27:16:46,148 --> 27:16:49,328
You just get a quick, "Oh, beg
your pardon and then they carry on,

925
27:16:49,348 --> 27:16:51,648
like they've no idea how they'd ever
got down there.

926
27:16:51,668 --> 27:16:54,408
What was that doing? Carry on.
Carry on, carry on.

927
27:16:54,428 --> 27:16:57,768
So hats off to the Gen X men,
is what I'm saying.

928
27:16:57,788 --> 27:16:59,688
And do you know what I want?

929
27:16:59,708 --> 27:17:03,528
I just want young, young girls never
to be pressured by anything,

930
27:17:03,548 --> 27:17:05,448
not to be pressured by what
they're seeing on the screens.

931
27:17:05,468 --> 27:17:08,248
Not to be pressured by that thing of,
"Come on, everyone's doing it."

932
27:17:08,268 --> 27:17:10,968
Because that's what they're
being told - everyone's doing it.

933
27:17:10,988 --> 27:17:12,968
And if they're ever put in that
position and they're told,

934
27:17:12,988 --> 27:17:14,128
"Come on, everyone's doing it."

935
27:17:14,148 --> 27:17:15,928
They need to go, "Hey, hey, hey,
whoa, stop.

936
27:17:17,388 --> 27:17:19,768
"Do you know what, I hear what
you're saying, everyone's doing it.

937
27:17:19,788 --> 27:17:22,128
"But do you know what? I just really
want to talk to someone

938
27:17:22,148 --> 27:17:24,328
"who's actually done it before.

939
27:17:24,348 --> 27:17:27,648
"So I'll tell you what, mate,
why don't you bend over?

940
27:17:27,668 --> 27:17:29,688
(LAUGHTER)

941
27:17:29,708 --> 27:17:31,368
"I'm going to grab a cucumber.

942
27:17:33,228 --> 27:17:34,768
"I'm going to shove it up your ass,

943
27:17:34,788 --> 27:17:36,408
"and when you tell me how good
it feels,

944
27:17:36,428 --> 27:17:38,048
"then we're having a crack at it."

945
27:17:38,068 --> 27:17:39,448
(LAUGHTER)

946
27:17:39,468 --> 27:17:40,848
That's equal opportunity.

947
27:17:42,188 --> 27:17:43,888
That's everyone getting involved.

948
27:17:43,908 --> 27:17:45,968
(APPLAUSE)

949
27:17:56,378 --> 27:17:58,398
that get weird about sex.

950
27:17:58,418 --> 27:18:02,838
Like, I do watch a lot of the
Discovery Channel and Animal Planet.

951
27:18:02,858 --> 27:18:07,398
And I have never once been watching
a documentary about the lions

952
27:18:07,418 --> 27:18:11,358
on the savanna, I've been watching
a couple of lions going at it.

953
27:18:11,378 --> 27:18:13,918
Suddenly, the man lion stops
and goes,

954
27:18:13,938 --> 27:18:16,718
"Oh, hang on a second,
I've had an idea."

955
27:18:16,738 --> 27:18:18,878
(LAUGHTER)

956
27:18:18,898 --> 27:18:23,318
"I'm going to break this branch off
the tree

957
27:18:23,338 --> 27:18:25,638
"and how about I whip you
while I'm doing you.

958
27:18:25,658 --> 27:18:27,198
"I'm going to whip you
while I'm doing you.

959
27:18:27,218 --> 27:18:28,478
"Do you like it, lady lion?

960
27:18:28,498 --> 27:18:31,038
"I'm whipping ya. I'm whipping ya.
I'm whipping ya.

961
27:18:31,058 --> 27:18:33,718
"Call me Daddy. Roar!"
(LAUGHTER)

962
27:18:33,738 --> 27:18:35,918
"Whipping, whipping, whipping."

963
27:18:35,938 --> 27:18:38,038
That's...

964
27:18:38,058 --> 27:18:39,598
That's not nature.

965
27:18:41,138 --> 27:18:44,558
You've never seen a pair of hippos
rolling around in the mud,

966
27:18:44,578 --> 27:18:46,558
suddenly one of them grabs
the other one's foot

967
27:18:46,578 --> 27:18:49,718
and starts going argh...!

968
27:18:49,738 --> 27:18:52,158
"Just let me do it, I'm in to feet.
I'm into feet."

969
27:18:54,418 --> 27:18:56,358
It's not a thing, you know.

970
27:18:56,378 --> 27:19:00,158
There's no giraffe out there
lashing another giraffe to a tree

971
27:19:00,178 --> 27:19:02,118
and then popping a blindfold on it
and going,

972
27:19:02,138 --> 27:19:04,358
"It's alright, if it gets too much
use your safe word.

973
27:19:04,378 --> 27:19:06,758
"Use your safe word."

974
27:19:06,778 --> 27:19:11,238
Giraffe spread eagled like this
going, "Microwave! Microwave!"

975
27:19:11,258 --> 27:19:12,718
(LAUGHTER)

976
27:19:12,738 --> 27:19:14,158
It's not a thing.

977
27:19:15,178 --> 27:19:16,798
It's only humans.

978
27:19:18,978 --> 27:19:23,278
And I can't tell you the words
that strike fear in my heart

979
27:19:23,298 --> 27:19:25,638
more than any other
in a relationship

980
27:19:25,658 --> 27:19:28,478
and tell me that relationship
is about to be over,

981
27:19:28,498 --> 27:19:29,718
is when someone says to me,

982
27:19:29,738 --> 27:19:33,838
"Hey, maybe it's time to spice
things up in the bedroom."

983
27:19:33,858 --> 27:19:35,758
Oh, no, thank you.

984
27:19:35,778 --> 27:19:38,078
(LAUGHTER)

985
27:19:38,098 --> 27:19:39,878
No spice, just plain.

986
27:19:41,778 --> 27:19:44,478
Maybe salt and vinegar
on your birthday, but just plain.

987
27:19:47,738 --> 27:19:51,038
Spicing things up in the bedroom
always seems to involve

988
27:19:51,058 --> 27:19:53,478
putting something on you, doesn't it?

989
27:19:53,498 --> 27:19:55,078
You know, something you could
live without,

990
27:19:55,098 --> 27:19:59,078
like, I don't know, rubber or leather
or food

991
27:19:59,098 --> 27:20:02,718
or...the fucking neighbour. Just...

992
27:20:02,738 --> 27:20:04,358
(LAUGHTER)

993
27:20:04,378 --> 27:20:05,918
Stuff you don't need.

994
27:20:07,818 --> 27:20:09,278
And I just don't understand it.

995
27:20:09,298 --> 27:20:12,918
Like, I especially don't understand
people wanting to put food on you.

996
27:20:12,938 --> 27:20:14,678
I could never get into that.

997
27:20:14,698 --> 27:20:16,798
Like, I couldn't switch off
my own head.

998
27:20:16,818 --> 27:20:20,358
The only thing I would be thinking
about if someone brought food
into the bedroom

999
27:20:20,378 --> 27:20:23,518
is the clean up that's going to have
to happen afterwards.

1000
27:20:23,538 --> 27:20:25,438
You know, I'd be lying there trying
to get into it going,

1001
27:20:25,458 --> 27:20:26,838
"Oh, oh, that's gone on the sheets.

1002
27:20:26,858 --> 27:20:28,318
"That's going to soak through
the mattress

1003
27:20:28,338 --> 27:20:29,638
"There's going to be
a big greasy stain.

1004
27:20:29,658 --> 27:20:32,438
"Hey, do you know what? Why don't
we do it in the bathroom? Let's do it
in the bathroom.

1005
27:20:32,458 --> 27:20:33,838
"No, no, no. It's really good
on the tiles.

1006
27:20:33,858 --> 27:20:36,078
"Oh, yeah. I love a hard surface.
Yeah, that's turning me on.

1007
27:20:36,098 --> 27:20:38,438
"Let's do it on the tiles. Come on.
It's fine. It's clean.

1008
27:20:38,458 --> 27:20:39,998
"I steamed it this morning.
Let's go.

1009
27:20:40,018 --> 27:20:41,718
"Come on, let's get into it."
(LAUGHTER)

1010
27:20:43,458 --> 27:20:45,798
And I don't understand
the types of food

1011
27:20:45,818 --> 27:20:47,838
people want to put on you either.
It makes no sense.

1012
27:20:47,858 --> 27:20:50,118
People always want... It's always
the same stuff, like honey.

1013
27:20:51,738 --> 27:20:55,118
OK, if I make a crumpet
in the morning,

1014
27:20:55,138 --> 27:20:58,158
invariably I'll get just
a bit of honey on one of my fingers,

1015
27:20:58,178 --> 27:21:00,278
I swear to God that is sticky
till about midday.

1016
27:21:00,298 --> 27:21:01,838
I'm there going, "Oh...

1017
27:21:01,858 --> 27:21:03,638
"I'm still sticking to...

1018
27:21:03,658 --> 27:21:05,278
"Oh, I can't get that..."

1019
27:21:05,298 --> 27:21:07,718
And you want to put that shit
all over me.

1020
27:21:09,178 --> 27:21:11,718
I do not have the time.
I'm busy, right.

1021
27:21:12,978 --> 27:21:15,758
And as for cream,
why is it cream? Why?

1022
27:21:15,778 --> 27:21:20,358
I mean, I like cream,
but I like just a bit on the side

1023
27:21:20,378 --> 27:21:24,358
as an accompaniment
to something else, like cake, right.

1024
27:21:24,378 --> 27:21:27,318
But in the bedroom, it's always got
to be lashings of cream, hasn't it?

1025
27:21:27,338 --> 27:21:31,158
No one ever comes in and puts
a nice, neat MasterChef quenelle

1026
27:21:31,178 --> 27:21:33,198
on your bellybutton.
(LAUGHTER)

1027
27:21:34,978 --> 27:21:37,118
It's always lashings of cream,
and let me tell you,

1028
27:21:37,138 --> 27:21:40,518
that is going to get un-fun
so quickly.

1029
27:21:40,538 --> 27:21:42,158
Someone coming in with
a can of cream going,

1030
27:21:42,178 --> 27:21:44,238
"Oh, look out, here I come."

1031
27:21:44,258 --> 27:21:46,998
Bbbbbbsh!

1032
27:21:47,018 --> 27:21:48,998
Bbbsh! Bbbsh!

1033
27:21:49,018 --> 27:21:50,478
Bbbsh! Bbbsh! Bbbsh!

1034
27:21:50,498 --> 27:21:52,518
(LAUGHTER)

1035
27:21:52,538 --> 27:21:54,518
Get ready!

1036
27:21:54,538 --> 27:21:57,718
Arrh-arrh-arrh-arrh-arrh.

1037
27:22:01,898 --> 27:22:03,598
Arrh-arrh-arrh-arrh.

1038
27:22:08,058 --> 27:22:09,398
Arrh...

1039
27:22:09,418 --> 27:22:10,958
(LAUGHTER)

1040
27:22:14,658 --> 27:22:16,118
Ugh.

1041
27:22:18,178 --> 27:22:20,718
I'm just going to get...
I'm just going to get a drink.

1042
27:22:20,738 --> 27:22:24,118
Just don't get any on the sheets
because I'll be back in a minute.

1043
27:22:28,858 --> 27:22:30,318
And as for chocolate...

1044
27:22:31,498 --> 27:22:34,518
..am I the only person who can see
instantly

1045
27:22:34,538 --> 27:22:37,318
how un-sexy chocolate is
in the bedroom?

1046
27:22:37,338 --> 27:22:39,718
Here's the two words
you need to remember.

1047
27:22:41,218 --> 27:22:42,598
'Brown'.

1048
27:22:44,298 --> 27:22:45,798
And 'smeary'.

1049
27:22:47,818 --> 27:22:52,918
Nothing says sexy times
like brown and smeary.

1050
27:22:55,138 --> 27:22:59,158
I will confess to you that someone
has tried to bring chocolate

1051
27:22:59,178 --> 27:23:03,758
into the bedroom with me,
but they didn't get very far.

1052
27:23:04,938 --> 27:23:07,998
And mostly it was because the only
thing they had in their cupboard

1053
27:23:08,018 --> 27:23:10,118
was ice magic.
(LAUGHTER)

1054
27:23:10,138 --> 27:23:11,918
Yeah.

1055
27:23:11,938 --> 27:23:14,318
He's in the doorway like this
going, "Ohhh."

1056
27:23:14,338 --> 27:23:17,238
I just went, "Sorry, mate,
what's your plan?"

1057
27:23:17,258 --> 27:23:19,238
(LAUGHTER)

1058
27:23:19,258 --> 27:23:20,598
"What are you going to do with that?

1059
27:23:20,618 --> 27:23:22,238
"Are you going to put it on me,
wait for it to harden

1060
27:23:22,258 --> 27:23:25,438
"and grab two spoons and crack me
on the nips? I don't think so.

1061
27:23:25,458 --> 27:23:26,998
"Out."

1062
27:23:30,698 --> 27:23:34,358
I just think my main problem
with fantasy stuff is I can't...

1063
27:23:34,378 --> 27:23:37,438
I really can't switch off my own mind
and my thinking.

1064
27:23:37,458 --> 27:23:40,838
Like, even if I was to just do
dress ups, I couldn't do it.

1065
27:23:40,858 --> 27:23:43,278
You know, if I came in as
a sexy nurse, I'd be like,

1066
27:23:43,298 --> 27:23:45,558
"Oh, I don't quite understand why
the nurse is sexy."

1067
27:23:45,578 --> 27:23:49,878
You know, it's like, "Oh, yeah,
I'm a sexy nurse.

1068
27:23:49,898 --> 27:23:54,438
"And I've come to...take
the blood pressure in your penis."

1069
27:23:54,458 --> 27:23:56,398
(LAUGHTER)

1070
27:23:56,418 --> 27:23:57,998
I don't...

1071
27:24:03,058 --> 27:24:06,638
It's the same with the French maid.
You know, why is it...?

1072
27:24:06,658 --> 27:24:09,718
(IMITATES FRENCH ACCENT)
"Oh, I'm a French maid.

1073
27:24:09,738 --> 27:24:13,038
"And sexy 'cause erm...

1074
27:24:13,058 --> 27:24:14,798
"I'm going to...

1075
27:24:14,818 --> 27:24:18,038
"..dust your bumhole."
(LAUGHTER)

1076
27:24:18,058 --> 27:24:20,158
Do you know what I mean?
Like, I can't make the leap

1077
27:24:20,178 --> 27:24:22,638
from these professions to sexy.
I just...

1078
27:24:25,138 --> 27:24:29,278
I really hope there are some people
here tonight that do dress ups,

1079
27:24:29,298 --> 27:24:31,918
'cause I feel like I will really
have ruined it for you.

1080
27:24:33,778 --> 27:24:38,678
Do you know, the only fantasy thing
I like is the really simple one,

1081
27:24:38,698 --> 27:24:41,398
I like that
celebrity free pass thing.

1082
27:24:41,418 --> 27:24:44,238
That's a fun fantasy and it's
really easy. Anyone can do it.

1083
27:24:44,258 --> 27:24:47,118
You know, the celebrity free pass
thing where you,

1084
27:24:47,138 --> 27:24:50,238
you nominate a celebrity
that you fancy

1085
27:24:50,258 --> 27:24:52,518
and would like to have sex with.

1086
27:24:52,538 --> 27:24:56,838
And then in a magical world,
if you ever meet that celebrity

1087
27:24:56,858 --> 27:24:59,598
and then in an even more
fucking magical world,

1088
27:24:59,618 --> 27:25:02,478
if that celebrity happens
to turn to you and go,

1089
27:25:02,498 --> 27:25:06,318
"(GASPS) Well, well, well."

1090
27:25:06,338 --> 27:25:08,278
(LAUGHTER)

1091
27:25:08,298 --> 27:25:10,678
"Hello, plain, lumpy person."

1092
27:25:10,698 --> 27:25:12,478
(LAUGHTER)

1093
27:25:14,858 --> 27:25:16,958
"I don't suppose you fancy
having some sex

1094
27:25:16,978 --> 27:25:19,558
"with a hot celebrity like me?

1095
27:25:19,578 --> 27:25:23,118
And if you've nominated that person
as your celebrity free pass,

1096
27:25:23,138 --> 27:25:25,038
you're totally allowed to have sex
with them

1097
27:25:25,058 --> 27:25:27,478
and it doesn't count as cheating
on your partner.

1098
27:25:27,498 --> 27:25:28,558
Right?

1099
27:25:28,578 --> 27:25:31,278
Now, sure, it's never happened
in the history of ever,

1100
27:25:31,298 --> 27:25:32,598
but it could happen.

1101
27:25:32,618 --> 27:25:35,318
So please nominate before you leave
this building tonight.

1102
27:25:36,938 --> 27:25:39,558
Now, my celebrity free pass
is Matt Damon.

1103
27:25:40,978 --> 27:25:42,198
No, don't you judge me.

1104
27:25:42,218 --> 27:25:44,758
There's no romances in
celebrity free pass.

1105
27:25:44,778 --> 27:25:47,918
But I think you can see how much
more elaborate

1106
27:25:47,938 --> 27:25:51,318
my celebrity free pass fantasy is
than anyone else's,

1107
27:25:51,338 --> 27:25:54,718
because I don't need
a celebrity free pass

1108
27:25:54,738 --> 27:25:58,118
because I don't have a partner
that I would be cheating on.

1109
27:25:58,138 --> 27:26:00,038
So apparently in my fantasy,

1110
27:26:00,058 --> 27:26:02,558
I've also conjured up a husband
for myself.

1111
27:26:03,738 --> 27:26:05,438
I'm going to meet Matt Damon
at the party,

1112
27:26:05,458 --> 27:26:06,678
get my celebrity free pass,

1113
27:26:06,698 --> 27:26:08,798
run off and give it to
my imaginary husband

1114
27:26:08,818 --> 27:26:10,598
and then come back and have sex with
Matt Damon.

1115
27:26:10,618 --> 27:26:14,958
Now, I will tell you this, the sex
with Matt Damon goes really well.

1116
27:26:14,978 --> 27:26:17,598
I have thought it through
and it starts beautifully

1117
27:26:17,618 --> 27:26:20,118
because we're at dinner.
You know, we go to dinner first.

1118
27:26:20,138 --> 27:26:22,998
We're not animals.
And he's laughing at all my jokes.

1119
27:26:23,018 --> 27:26:25,038
He's even saying, "Oh, my God,
I can't believe that other guy

1120
27:26:25,058 --> 27:26:26,478
"you went out with
didn't find you funny."

1121
27:26:26,498 --> 27:26:28,438
Anyway, that doesn't matter.
You don't need to know that.

1122
27:26:28,458 --> 27:26:31,518
That's just for me.
That's not important. OK.

1123
27:26:31,538 --> 27:26:33,438
Let's cut to the sex bit,
that's the good bit.

1124
27:26:33,458 --> 27:26:37,998
Now, the sex goes really well
because

1125
27:26:38,018 --> 27:26:41,398
I take my clothes off
like I'm in a movie.

1126
27:26:41,418 --> 27:26:43,558
You know where you just undo
a couple of buttons

1127
27:26:43,578 --> 27:26:45,758
and then your clothes drop
to the floor,

1128
27:26:45,778 --> 27:26:47,038
they pool around your ankles,

1129
27:26:47,058 --> 27:26:48,478
and then you step out of
those clothes

1130
27:26:48,498 --> 27:26:50,958
like you're some kind of crazy,
naked, sexy pony.

1131
27:26:50,978 --> 27:26:52,998
(LAUGHTER)

1132
27:26:56,138 --> 27:26:57,478
That's how it's done in the movies.

1133
27:26:57,498 --> 27:26:59,998
Not like in real life, you know where
you stand there going,

1134
27:27:00,018 --> 27:27:04,838
"Oh, yeah, no, I'm coming,
just let me do the buttons.

1135
27:27:04,858 --> 27:27:06,358
"No, I am into it.
I just want to...

1136
27:27:06,378 --> 27:27:08,518
"Just please let me take it off.
If you rip it off...

1137
27:27:08,538 --> 27:27:09,998
"Yes, I know it's fun,

1138
27:27:10,018 --> 27:27:12,918
"but then I've got to sow them
back on in ten minutes,
so just let me...

1139
27:27:14,298 --> 27:27:15,838
"Less haste, more speed, you know.

1140
27:27:15,858 --> 27:27:18,718
"You take your pants off and by
the time you're finished,
I'll be over.

1141
27:27:20,018 --> 27:27:22,238
"Take your shoes off first,
otherwise you're going to be...

1142
27:27:22,258 --> 27:27:23,878
"Er, you're going to be ages. OK.

1143
27:27:25,258 --> 27:27:26,758
And look, do you know what?

1144
27:27:26,778 --> 27:27:29,198
If this had happened with Matt,
it wouldn't have mattered

1145
27:27:29,218 --> 27:27:30,798
'cause do you know what I would
have done?

1146
27:27:30,818 --> 27:27:33,718
I'd have regaled him with the history
of buttons

1147
27:27:33,738 --> 27:27:35,878
and then he would have just loved me
even more.

1148
27:27:35,898 --> 27:27:38,478
But I didn't need to 'cause I just
undid a couple,

1149
27:27:38,498 --> 27:27:40,998
they dropped to the floor...and
I stepped out.

1150
27:27:41,018 --> 27:27:45,718
And this is where there was just
the tiniest glitch in the fantasy.

1151
27:27:45,738 --> 27:27:48,838
Because you see I'm at that age now
where I look fine

1152
27:27:48,858 --> 27:27:51,238
in a firm exoskeleton of clothing.

1153
27:27:52,458 --> 27:27:55,678
But when I remove this firm
exoskeleton,

1154
27:27:55,698 --> 27:28:00,118
I'm a little bit like a cake that
hasn't been quite cooked properly.

1155
27:28:00,138 --> 27:28:02,518
(LAUGHTER)

1156
27:28:02,538 --> 27:28:05,718
You know when you take a cake
out of the oven and you turn it out,

1157
27:28:05,738 --> 27:28:08,078
you take the tin off and you go,
"Ohh!"

1158
27:28:08,098 --> 27:28:09,878
And then...flumph.

1159
27:28:09,898 --> 27:28:12,518
(LAUGHTER)

1160
27:28:12,538 --> 27:28:14,438
Well, that's me, little Miss Flumphy.

1161
27:28:16,178 --> 27:28:20,478
And there was just a flicker
of disappointment in Matt's eyes.

1162
27:28:20,498 --> 27:28:23,078
But, no, I swear to God
it was there for, I would say,

1163
27:28:23,098 --> 27:28:24,878
half of a split second

1164
27:28:24,898 --> 27:28:28,038
because he is that good of an actor
he covered like that.

1165
27:28:28,058 --> 27:28:30,878
He's amazing.
That's why I love him so much, right.

1166
27:28:30,898 --> 27:28:34,158
But I knew he'd seen because he asked
if we could turn the lights out

1167
27:28:34,178 --> 27:28:36,118
and I didn't even care.

1168
27:28:36,138 --> 27:28:39,118
You know, he's, he's Matt Damon
in the light or the dark,

1169
27:28:39,138 --> 27:28:41,638
it doesn't matter. And we did it
and it was just fantastic.

1170
27:28:41,658 --> 27:28:43,758
You know, at one point
he even lent down and he said,

1171
27:28:43,778 --> 27:28:45,638
"Oh, my God,
I love how much you're moving."

1172
27:28:45,658 --> 27:28:47,478
And I said, "Thanks, Matt!"
(LAUGHTER)

1173
27:28:50,138 --> 27:28:51,998
And at the end,
he was a real gentleman.

1174
27:28:52,018 --> 27:28:53,958
And he turned to me and he said,
"How was that for you?"

1175
27:28:53,978 --> 27:28:55,678
And I said,
"Oh, mate, you smashed it."

1176
27:28:55,698 --> 27:28:58,238
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

1177
27:28:58,258 --> 27:28:59,598
Out of the park.

1178
27:29:07,318 --> 27:29:09,338
with Matt Damon.
I'm not going to date anymore.

1179
27:29:09,358 --> 27:29:12,858
I can't date because no one meets
in real life anymore.

1180
27:29:12,878 --> 27:29:14,938
And I don't know how else...

1181
27:29:14,958 --> 27:29:18,938
Like, everyone just meets online now
or apps. And I don't agree with that.

1182
27:29:18,958 --> 27:29:21,698
I think online dating
is fundamentally flawed.

1183
27:29:21,718 --> 27:29:26,858
This idea that you go through
and tick boxes of things you like,

1184
27:29:26,878 --> 27:29:29,578
and then if someone else ticks
the same boxes as you,

1185
27:29:29,598 --> 27:29:32,378
snap, you're a match.

1186
27:29:33,598 --> 27:29:36,098
Really? Really?

1187
27:29:36,118 --> 27:29:40,138
Let's test that theory.
I like coffee, I like red wine.

1188
27:29:40,158 --> 27:29:41,458
I like movies.

1189
27:29:41,478 --> 27:29:43,058
Fuck me, who doesn't?

1190
27:29:44,158 --> 27:29:46,978
How exactly did we just
narrow the field

1191
27:29:46,998 --> 27:29:48,578
and find me my perfect match?

1192
27:29:48,598 --> 27:29:50,538
Do you know what? You may as well
walk out into a crowd,

1193
27:29:50,558 --> 27:29:52,538
chuck a rock, see who it hits.

1194
27:29:52,558 --> 27:29:56,458
That's as scientific
as internet dating gets.

1195
27:29:56,478 --> 27:29:57,498
And I wish they would admit it.

1196
27:29:57,518 --> 27:29:59,538
"Oh, we've got algorithms
and formulas."

1197
27:29:59,558 --> 27:30:01,338
No, you don't.
It's rock chucking, right.

1198
27:30:02,678 --> 27:30:06,138
If they want to make it work,
they should reverse it.

1199
27:30:06,158 --> 27:30:09,458
You should have to write down
all the things you don't like

1200
27:30:09,478 --> 27:30:12,778
because if you can find someone
who hates the same things as you,

1201
27:30:12,798 --> 27:30:14,858
you're on a much better
starting point.

1202
27:30:14,878 --> 27:30:18,898
And, more importantly, you're on
a much more interesting first date.

1203
27:30:20,358 --> 27:30:23,018
OK, here's the date
I don't want to be on.

1204
27:30:23,038 --> 27:30:24,378
Sitting there with someone going,

1205
27:30:24,398 --> 27:30:26,258
"Oh, gosh.

1206
27:30:26,278 --> 27:30:28,138
"Yeah, are you enjoying the wine?

1207
27:30:28,158 --> 27:30:31,458
"It's great that we both
like the same things, like wine.

1208
27:30:33,038 --> 27:30:35,138
"It's quite delicious, isn't it?
That's one of my favourites.

1209
27:30:35,158 --> 27:30:37,298
"That's a... That's a red, I think,
isn't it?"

1210
27:30:37,318 --> 27:30:39,098
(LAUGHTER)

1211
27:30:40,918 --> 27:30:43,098
Here's the date I want to be on.

1212
27:30:43,118 --> 928:55:31,219
Where I turn up and I say to the guy,

1213
955:26:14,957 --> 2625:42:11,711
"Oh, do you know what happened to me
today?

1214
2652:12:55,449 --> 4561:05:26,023
"I was on a flight, short flight,
Melbourne to Sydney,

1215
4587:36:09,760 --> 5674:36:03,845
"hour, hour and a half.

1216
5701:06:47,583 --> 7795:34:24,460
"The person sitting in front of me
put their seat back...

1217
8776:31:23,475 --> 10049:06:23,864
"..on a short flight.

1218
10075:37:07,602 --> 12885:54:25,937
"The person in front of me reclined."

1219
12912:25:09,674 --> 13972:54:20,002
Do you know what you do
on a short flight?

1220
13999:25:03,740 --> 15775:43:55,525
You sit the fuck up.
(LAUGHTER)

1221
15802:14:39,263 --> 17631:34:58,564
(APPLAUSE)

1222
17658:05:42,301 --> 20680:28:50,698
Nobody needs to recline
on a short flight.

1223
20706:59:34,435 --> 22297:43:19,916
If you need to sleep
on a short flight,

1224
22324:14:03,654 --> 23994:30:00,408
do it like the rest of us,
sitting up like this.

1225
24021:00:44,146 --> 25558:43:02,112
(LAUGHTER)

1226
31338:22:01,268 --> 33167:42:20,569
And instead of that guy doing
what he would usually do on a date

1227
33194:13:04,306 --> 35288:40:41,183
with me, going, "Wow,
you're a bit scary, I have to go."

1228
35315:11:24,922 --> 36720:20:04,100
I want that guy to go,
"Yeah, that is annoying.

1229
36746:50:47,837 --> 37913:22:53,195
"Do you know what else is annoying
on a plane?"

1230
37939:53:36,933 --> 39742:43:12,476
I'd go, "Mate, you tell me
'cause I'm here to listen." Right.

1231
39769:13:56,213 --> 41121:21:07,875
He'll say, "What about when
the person has a kid

1232
41147:51:51,613 --> 43162:47:17,217
"and they don't put headphones on
but they let it play on the iPad."

1233
43189:18:00,955 --> 44090:42:48,736
And so you have to listen to this.

1234
44117:13:32,474 --> 45151:11:59,044
De, de, de-de-de-de.

1235
45177:42:42,782 --> 46370:45:31,898
De, de, de-de-de-de.

1236
46397:16:15,636 --> 47537:17:37,237
De, de, de-de-de-de.

1237
47563:48:20,974 --> 48677:18:58,817
De, de, de-de-de-de.

1238
48703:49:42,554 --> 49817:20:20,397
De, de, wop-poo-wop.

1239
49843:51:04,135 --> 50798:17:19,432
De, de, de-de-de-de.

1240
50824:48:03,170 --> 52017:50:52,286
De, de, de-de-de-de.

1241
52044:21:36,023 --> 52733:40:33,743
"De, de..."

1242
52760:11:17,481 --> 53767:39:00,293
So you lean forward and you go,
"Excuse me,

1243
53794:09:44,031 --> 55172:47:39,451
"I was wondering if you could put
some headphones on your kid

1244
55199:18:23,188 --> 57134:41:37,519
'cause actually everyone can hear
the de, de, de-de-de-de.

1245
57161:12:21,257 --> 58857:59:01,769
De, de, de-de-de-de.
And it's getting a little bit...

1246
58884:29:45,507 --> 61429:39:46,265
They go, "Oh, look, we would
you know, but he's quite young,

1247
61456:10:30,003 --> 62622:42:35,361
"so his ears are still developing.

1248
62649:13:19,099 --> 64054:21:58,277
"So we don't want to put anything
on there

1249
64080:52:42,014 --> 65035:18:57,311
"'cause it might damage his ears."

1250
65061:49:41,049 --> 66705:34:54,046
"You're damaging my fucking ears.
Put some headphones on."

1251
66732:05:37,783 --> 67819:05:31,868
(LAUGHTER)

1252
68959:06:53,429 --> 71477:46:10,429
This guy and I are getting on
like a house on fire.

1253
71504:16:54,167 --> 74818:18:03,898
And then the day gets even better
when across this side of the cafe,

1254
74844:48:47,636 --> 77257:25:09,606
someone over here drags their chair
across the floor

1255
77283:55:53,343 --> 78715:35:16,278
and we both turn around
at the same time and go,

1256
78742:06:00,016 --> 79855:36:37,859
"Lift your fucking chair."

1257
79882:07:21,597 --> 81525:52:34,594
(LAUGHTER)
It's not that hard.

1258
83461:15:48,885 --> 84495:14:15,455
So that's what I'm going to do,

1259
84521:44:59,192 --> 86510:09:41,039
I'm going to invent reverse
internet dating, right?

1260
86536:40:24,777 --> 88259:57:49,047
I don't know what I'm going to call
it, but you're all welcome to join.

1261
88286:28:32,784 --> 89506:02:05,658
Maybe I could call it Hater Daters
or something,

1262
89532:32:49,395 --> 90672:34:10,996
but it's going to be great.

1263
90699:04:54,734 --> 91786:04:48,819
You have to answer questions
like this...

1264
94039:36:48,202 --> 95497:46:54,895
What are your trigger words?

1265
95524:17:38,633 --> 96611:17:32,718
That's what you have to list,
your trigger words.

1266
96637:48:16,456 --> 98069:27:39,391
Everyone's got a word
that sets their teeth on edge

1267
98095:58:23,129 --> 99076:55:22,183
or in my case, 42 words.

1268
99103:26:05,921 --> 101250:55:10,314
But everyone's got some word
that will just trigger them and go

1269
101277:25:54,052 --> 102072:47:46,803
"Oh, God, I can't hear that word."

1270
102099:18:30,540 --> 103822:35:54,810
So it's best to eliminate
anyone that uses that word.

1271
103849:06:38,547 --> 105148:12:22,694
Don't waste time with them, right?

1272
105174:43:06,432 --> 108064:32:36,040
For example, I can't go out
with anyone who uses the word feed

1273
108091:03:19,778 --> 108833:23:45,013
as a noun.

1274
109655:16:21,481 --> 110927:51:21,870
I don't want to go out with anyone
who says,

1275
110954:22:05,608 --> 113181:23:21,274
"Hey, do you want to go for a feed?"

1276
113207:54:05,012 --> 114533:30:32,916
(LAUGHTER)

1277
115779:34:49,507 --> 117794:30:15,111
No. No, I don't.

1278
118642:53:35,338 --> 119756:24:13,181
Not now, not ever.

1279
120763:51:55,953 --> 122778:47:21,557
The word feed should never have 'a'
in front of it.

1280
123680:12:09,299 --> 125695:07:34,903
Now, a friend of mine can't stand
the word moist.

1281
125721:38:18,641 --> 126994:13:19,030
Yeah, she hates that word.

1282
127020:44:02,767 --> 129618:55:31,041
So she needs to eliminate anyone that
uses it right up front.

1283
129645:26:14,779 --> 131633:50:56,626
Otherwise, she could waste
five or six dates with a guy.

1284
131660:21:40,363 --> 132694:20:06,933
She's going, "Oh, my God,
this guy's amazing.

1285
132720:50:50,671 --> 134179:00:57,364
"I think he's the one.
I really love him, you know?"

1286
134205:31:41,101 --> 135610:40:20,279
And then they go out for coffee
and cake and he goes,

1287
135637:11:04,016 --> 136353:00:45,494
"Oh, this cake's moist."

1288
136379:31:29,232 --> 138076:18:09,744
And she goes bleugh!
(LAUGHTER)

1289
139454:56:05,124 --> 140886:35:28,059
Well, I'm not anymore,
so see you later, alright?

1290
140913:06:11,796 --> 141841:01:43,335
(LAUGHTER)

1291
141867:32:27,073 --> 144571:46:50,377
Now, the other thing I'm going to put
on my reverse internet dating
website...

1292
146878:20:17,276 --> 148230:27:28,938
..trigger places, OK?

1293
148256:58:12,676 --> 149980:15:36,946
I want you to tell me
where you don't want to go.

1294
150006:46:20,684 --> 151014:14:03,496
Don't tell me where you do
want to go.

1295
151040:44:47,234 --> 151889:08:07,500
That tells me nothing about you.

1296
151915:38:51,237 --> 152976:08:01,565
All those people that write things
like,

1297
153002:38:45,303 --> 154991:03:27,150
"Oh, I enjoy good restaurants
and fine dining."

1298
155017:34:10,887 --> 156926:26:41,461
"Oh, do you? 'Cause most of us eat
slop from a bucket."

1299
156952:57:25,198 --> 158914:51:23,287
Fucking who doesn't like nice food?
What does that tell us?

1300
158941:22:07,025 --> 160213:57:07,414
"Oh, wow, you fancy."

1301
161460:01:24,005 --> 163660:31:55,913
Tell me what you don't like.
That reveals more about you, right.

1302
163687:02:39,651 --> 165065:40:35,071
So my number one trigger place,

1303
165092:11:18,809 --> 166815:28:43,079
the place I don't want to go
and I'll explain it for you.

1304
167716:53:30,820 --> 168936:27:03,694
I don't want to go
to Cirque du Soleil.

1305
169811:21:07,677 --> 171402:04:53,158
OK, now it's nothing to do
with the performers.

1306
171428:35:36,896 --> 172303:29:40,920
I think the performers are amazing.

1307
172330:00:24,658 --> 173098:51:33,651
They're next level, topnotch.

1308
173125:22:17,388 --> 175007:44:04,204
You'll never see skills like that
anywhere else.

1309
175034:14:47,942 --> 176704:30:44,696
What I don't like about
Cirque du Soleil

1310
176731:01:28,434 --> 178083:08:40,096
is the philosophy behind it.

1311
178109:39:23,834 --> 180628:18:40,834
Because I think circus should be
a fun day out for the whole family.

1312
180654:49:24,572 --> 181582:44:56,111
It's colour and movement.

1313
181609:15:39,849 --> 182616:43:22,661
Maybe there's a monkey on a tricycle.

1314
182643:14:06,399 --> 184260:28:35,638

Re, de, de-de-de, de, re, la-la

1315
184286:59:19,375 --> 185533:03:36,006
But basically you just kick back

1316
185559:34:19,745 --> 187256:21:00,257
and let the whole scene
wash over you, right.

1317
188184:16:31,756 --> 189430:20:48,387
What I'm saying is

1318
189456:51:32,125 --> 191789:55:42,822
you shouldn't need
a university degree

1319
191816:26:26,559 --> 193645:46:45,860
to understand what the fuck
is going on at a circus.

1320
193672:17:29,597 --> 194679:45:12,409
(LAUGHTER)

1321
196482:34:47,912 --> 198656:34:36,062
And yet here is how every
Cirque du Soleil show

1322
198683:05:19,801 --> 199770:05:13,886
I've ever seen starts.

1323
202262:13:47,089 --> 205920:54:25,670
Smoke fills the tent
and Innocent appears.

1324
205947:25:09,407 --> 208439:33:42,650
It's a child with a kite, such joy.

1325
208466:04:26,388 --> 210374:56:56,962
But wait, danger reproaches

1326
210401:27:40,699 --> 211939:09:58,665
in the form of a man in a pointy hat.

1327
211965:40:42,403 --> 214935:02:23,284
He walks with stiff legs
and he steals the child's kite.

1328
214961:33:07,022 --> 218275:34:16,753
Or does he just steal
our expectations.

1329
218302:05:00,490 --> 219044:25:25,725
Ha-ha.

1330
219070:56:09,463 --> 222331:55:51,679
For lo,
the kite has become a butterfly.

1331
222358:26:35,417 --> 224771:02:57,387
The child is happy once more,
for he knows not

1332
224797:33:41,124 --> 228217:37:45,886
that the magical creature
will be dead in seven days.

1333
228244:08:29,624 --> 230259:03:55,228
Magic, death, pointy hats.

1334
230285:34:38,966 --> 232088:24:14,509
Welcome to Cirque du Soleil.

1335
232114:54:58,246 --> 233811:41:38,758
(APPLAUSE)

1336
237072:41:20,934 --> 239697:23:32,965
Five minutes into the circus
and you're feeling like a fuckwit.

1337
240519:16:09,434 --> 241341:08:45,942
That's not a good feeling.

1338
242269:04:17,441 --> 244204:27:31,772
You're feeling dumber
than a MAFS contestant at this stage.

1339
246007:17:07,275 --> 247783:35:59,060
And you think maybe it'll get easier
when the acts start,

1340
247810:06:42,798 --> 249745:29:57,129
but it doesn't because they have
these complicated narratives

1341
249772:00:40,867 --> 250832:29:51,195
that they have to layer
over everything.

1342
250859:00:34,932 --> 252555:47:15,444
Like there was one act that I would
usually really like.

1343
252582:17:59,182 --> 254623:44:08,544
You know the chair stacking guy?

1344
254650:14:52,282 --> 256479:35:11,583
You know, not the...

1345
256506:05:55,320 --> 258096:49:40,801
not the guy who comes to put the
chairs away at the end of the night.

1346
258123:20:24,539 --> 259316:23:13,655
(LAUGHTER)

1347
259342:53:57,393 --> 260535:56:46,509
I loved him. He couldn't come out
soon enough.

1348
260562:27:30,246 --> 262524:21:28,335
No, but, you know this guy,
he's an acrobat

1349
262550:52:12,073 --> 264141:35:57,554
and he builds this amazing
tower of chairs,

1350
264168:06:41,292 --> 266183:02:06,896
just this precarious tower
that he climbs up

1351
266209:32:50,634 --> 267084:26:54,658
and he just keeps building it
like that.

1352
267110:57:38,396 --> 267985:51:42,420
You think, well,
I can understand that.

1353
268012:22:26,157 --> 270292:25:09,338
No, not at Cirque du Soleil, 'cause
you know what's going on behind him?

1354
270318:55:53,076 --> 272519:26:24,984
There's a 30-piece live band.

1355
272545:57:08,722 --> 275382:45:10,815
And out the front of that band
is a woman in flowing robes.

1356
275409:15:54,552 --> 276867:26:01,245
And she doesn't sing words.

1357
276893:56:44,983 --> 279333:03:50,710
She sings inspirational sounds.

1358
279359:34:34,448 --> 281003:19:47,445
So he starts stacking his chairs,
one on top of the other

1359
281029:50:31,182 --> 281957:46:02,721
and she starts giving it.

1360
282700:06:27,917 --> 284582:28:14,733


1361
284608:58:58,470 --> 286703:26:35,347


1362
286729:57:19,085 --> 288956:58:34,751


1363
288983:29:18,489 --> 291290:02:45,428


1364
291316:33:29,166 --> 294232:53:42,532
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

1365
294259:24:26,269 --> 296009:12:34,296
You're watching.

1366
296035:43:18,034 --> 297149:13:55,877
Sitting there next to your friend
going,

1367
297175:44:39,615 --> 298952:03:31,400
"what's a flang-tang?
(LAUGHTER)

1368
298978:34:15,138 --> 301099:32:35,773
I don't know. Should we ask someone?
Is it important? Do we need to know?

1369
301126:03:19,510 --> 302663:45:37,476
Meanwhile, he just keeps stacking
those flang-tangs.

1370
302690:16:21,214 --> 303485:38:13,965
Four, five...

1371
303512:08:57,702 --> 304625:39:35,545
She's still giving it.

1372
304652:10:19,283 --> 306879:11:34,949


1373
306905:42:18,687 --> 308602:28:59,199


1374
308628:59:42,936 --> 311253:41:54,967


1375
311280:12:38,705 --> 312764:53:29,156
Now you're thinking, is she drunk?

1376
313666:18:16,897 --> 315257:02:02,378
Does she not know the words?

1377
315283:32:46,116 --> 316211:28:17,655
Maybe she shouldn't even
be out there.

1378
316237:59:01,393 --> 317855:13:30,632
Has she just wandered on
from the audience? I don't know.

1379
317881:44:14,370 --> 319711:04:33,671
Perhaps we should tell an usher.
This is getting weird.

1380
319737:35:17,408 --> 321434:21:57,920
He just keeps stacking eight chairs,
nine chairs.

1381
321460:52:41,658 --> 322468:20:24,470
She's still going.

1382
322494:51:08,208 --> 324032:33:26,174


1383
324059:04:09,911 --> 325967:56:40,485


1384
325994:27:24,223 --> 328910:47:37,589


1385
328937:18:21,326 --> 330289:25:32,988
Now there's 11 chairs.

1386
330315:56:16,726 --> 331721:04:55,904
He does a handstand on top of them.

1387
331747:35:39,641 --> 333709:29:37,730
Woo!

1388
333736:00:21,468 --> 335459:17:45,738
And you're amazed
but you're confused.

1389
336148:36:43,417 --> 338481:40:54,114
You're also sweating,
you don't know what's going on.

1390
338508:11:37,852 --> 340523:07:03,456
It's taken 20 minutes
and then you realise,

1391
340549:37:47,194 --> 341901:44:58,856
"Jesus Christ, it's not over."

1392
341928:15:42,594 --> 343333:24:21,772
(LAUGHTER)

1393
343359:55:05,509 --> 344712:02:17,171
"We've got to bring
that fucker down."

1394
345905:05:06,247 --> 346859:31:21,544
And this is Cirque du Soleil,

1395
346886:02:05,281 --> 348688:51:40,824
so there's not going to be
a comedy ending.

1396
348715:22:24,562 --> 349749:20:51,132
No one's going to run out there
and go,

1397
349775:51:34,869 --> 351605:11:54,170

Re, de, de-de-de, de, re, la-la.

1398
351631:42:37,908 --> 352877:46:54,539
And kick the chairs out
from under him.

1399
353779:11:42,281 --> 354707:07:13,820
That's not going to happen.

1400
354733:37:57,557 --> 356138:46:36,735
We're going to bring him down
the same way we took him up

1401
356165:17:20,473 --> 357199:15:47,043
with the Wailing Wall giving it...

1402
357225:46:30,780 --> 358100:40:34,804


1403
358127:11:18,541 --> 359426:17:02,688


1404
359452:47:46,426 --> 360831:25:41,846


1405
360857:56:25,583 --> 362607:44:33,610


1406
362634:15:17,349 --> 364808:15:05,499


1407
364834:45:49,237 --> 366849:41:14,841


1408
366876:11:58,579 --> 369368:20:31,822
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

1409
372443:45:07,693 --> 373186:05:32,928
Much too much.

1410
373212:36:16,666 --> 375174:30:14,755
It's more exhausting to watch
Cirque du Soleil

1411
375201:00:58,493 --> 376526:37:26,397
than perform in Cirque du Soleil.

1412
376553:08:10,135 --> 378859:41:37,074
Because every single act
has that level of intensity.

1413
378886:12:20,812 --> 380450:25:22,536
And the other thing is
there are no nets.

1414
380476:56:06,273 --> 382889:32:28,243
So you constantly worry that someone
could die or get injured.

1415
382916:03:11,981 --> 384082:35:17,339
Why can't they just have a net?

1416
384771:54:15,019 --> 386760:18:56,866
No one ever walks into the circus,
sees a net and goes,

1417
386786:49:40,603 --> 390021:18:39,061
"Ohh! Take the nets down
you fucking scams."

1418
390896:12:43,045 --> 391744:36:03,311
Who does that?

1419
392672:31:34,810 --> 393414:52:00,045
Let them have a net.

1420
393441:22:43,783 --> 394581:24:05,384
Everybody has a bad day at work.

1421
394607:54:49,121 --> 396384:13:40,906
If you have a bad day at Cirque,
I want to see you bounce.

1422
396410:44:24,644 --> 397418:12:07,456
That's what I want to see.

1423
398425:39:50,229 --> 400016:23:35,710
It's just too much, right.

1424
400042:54:19,448 --> 401713:10:16,202
It's too much to take
one act after the other like that

1425
401739:40:59,940 --> 402694:07:15,237
with that sort of intensity.

1426
402720:37:58,974 --> 404072:45:10,636
And Cirque du Soleil know that.

1427
404099:15:54,374 --> 406061:09:52,463
So what they do
to try and give you a break

1428
406087:40:36,201 --> 407678:24:21,682
in between all those acts,

1429
407704:55:05,420 --> 409931:56:21,086
between that tension,
they send out the clowns.

1430
409958:27:04,823 --> 411522:40:06,547
In between every single act,
out come the clowns,

1431
411549:10:50,285 --> 413617:07:43,405
just to lighten the mood a bit,
right.

1432
413643:38:27,142 --> 415287:23:40,139
And I don't want to be one of
those cliched people that goes,

1433
415313:54:23,876 --> 417090:13:15,661
"Oh, fuck, I hate clowns."
But, fuck, I hate clowns, right.

1434
417116:43:59,399 --> 418097:40:58,453
(LAUGHTER)

1435
419396:46:42,561 --> 421994:58:10,835
And there was one beautiful moment at
Cirque du Soleil,

1436
422021:28:54,572 --> 424221:59:26,480
and it was the fourth time
the clowns came out

1437
424248:30:10,218 --> 426979:15:17,280
because that was the moment
when 2,000 people all realised

1438
427005:46:01,017 --> 430107:41:20,687
at the same time that the clowns
were going to come out

1439
430134:12:04,425 --> 432838:26:27,729
after every single act.

1440
432864:57:11,466 --> 435489:39:23,497
And at that precise moment,
2,000 people in a tent went...

1441
435516:10:07,235 --> 436603:10:01,320
(SIGHS DESPONDENTLY)

1442
437981:47:56,700 --> 439758:06:48,485
And that is a tiny noise
when I do it.

1443
439784:37:32,223 --> 441932:06:36,616
But when 2,000 people do that,
it's magical.

1444
442780:29:56,842 --> 444662:51:43,658
And I want to just let you see what,

1445
444689:22:27,396 --> 446333:07:40,393
what this many people
would sound like.

1446
446359:38:24,130 --> 447314:04:39,427
Just give me a small one.

1447
447340:35:23,165 --> 448321:32:22,219
Ohhh.

1448
449196:26:26,203 --> 450893:13:06,715
It warms my heart,

1449
450919:43:50,453 --> 453093:43:38,603
because that was the moment
when I realised I wasn't alone.

1450
453120:14:22,341 --> 456275:11:09,526
I just went, "Oh, my God,
nobody likes the clowns."

1451
456301:41:53,263 --> 458104:31:28,806
Nobody. The person next to me
went like this.

1452
458131:02:12,544 --> 459377:06:29,175
"Oh, not these cunts again."

1453
459403:37:12,913 --> 460861:47:19,606
(LAUGHTER)

1454
463831:09:00,447 --> 464997:41:05,805
And he was seven, so...

1455
465024:11:49,543 --> 466296:46:49,932
(RAUCOUS LAUGHTER)
..that's how I know.

1456
466323:17:33,670 --> 467065:37:58,905
(APPLAUSE)

1457
472049:55:09,466 --> 473481:34:32,361
and I'm doing it so that you hear it
from me.

1458
473481:34:32,381 --> 474754:09:32,730
I don't want to be outed as
a hypocrite,

1459
474754:09:32,750 --> 476212:19:39,403
which is what can happen.

1460
476212:19:39,423 --> 479685:25:11,660
We are on a journey and so
I want to take you with me.

1461
479685:25:11,680 --> 481302:39:40,879
I said earlier, I know,

1462
481302:39:40,899 --> 483158:30:43,917
I said, "Oh, boo porn, we should stop
making it.

1463
483158:30:43,937 --> 485942:17:18,474
"Yeah, pull your cock off
and you won't run out," or something.

1464
485942:17:18,495 --> 487453:28:52,663
I do a wonderful impression
of myself.

1465
487453:28:52,683 --> 489760:02:19,582
And I want to admit to you now

1466
489760:02:19,602 --> 490926:34:24,920
before you find out through
some other source

1467
490926:34:24,940 --> 492755:54:44,201
that I have actually made a porno.

1468
493604:18:04,467 --> 495433:38:23,728
I have. I've made a porn. Yes.

1469
495433:38:23,747 --> 497899:16:13,192
Now, please don't panic.
I wasn't in it.

1470
498562:04:27,155 --> 500762:34:59,023
Don't go looking for some film called
Flumph.

1471
500762:34:59,043 --> 502565:24:34,546
(LAUGHTER)
It's not out there.

1472
503891:01:02,450 --> 506011:59:23,045
But I came up with the idea
and I directed it

1473
506011:59:23,065 --> 508159:28:27,418
and my thinking was, I want there
to be porn that women can watch

1474
508159:28:27,438 --> 510174:23:53,002
without feeling threatened, without
it being aggressive towards them.

1475
510174:23:53,022 --> 511526:31:04,644
So here's what happened.
(AUDIENCE MEMBER WHOOPS)

1476
511526:31:04,664 --> 512374:54:24,890
Yes, thank you.

1477
512374:54:24,910 --> 515556:21:55,813
I, I met this man
and he had a sizeable area.

1478
516537:18:54,868 --> 517597:48:05,156
I mean, look, he was no
harbour porpoise,

1479
517597:48:05,175 --> 518472:42:09,159
but, you know, there was
plenty there.

1480
518472:42:09,179 --> 519718:46:25,770
(LAUGHTER)

1481
519718:46:25,790 --> 521468:34:33,777
But that wasn't, that wasn't
what was amazing about him.

1482
521468:34:33,798 --> 523748:37:16,939
What was incredible was that
he could do this trick, OK?

1483
523748:37:16,959 --> 526452:51:40,223
And I saw him do it and I went,
"Oh, my God, could I film that?"

1484
526452:51:40,243 --> 527751:57:24,350
And 'cause he's a man, he went,
"Yeah."

1485
527751:57:24,370 --> 529422:13:21,084
(LAUGHTER)

1486
531357:36:35,416 --> 533346:01:17,223
So we were up in my bedroom,
I'd done all the washing that day,

1487
533346:01:17,242 --> 534406:30:27,530
I'd taken the sheets off,
I'd washed them,

1488
534406:30:27,550 --> 535493:30:21,595
but I hadn't put them back on the bed
yet.

1489
535493:30:21,615 --> 536394:55:09,356
He walked over to my bed.

1490
536394:55:09,377 --> 538436:21:18,699
He picked up the doona,
and then he picked up the doona cover

1491
538436:21:18,719 --> 539284:44:38,945
and he held the two things.

1492
539284:44:38,965 --> 540000:34:20,403
He had these really long arms

1493
540000:34:20,422 --> 541644:19:33,379
and he had the two things out
together like this. And he went...

1494
544640:11:58,018 --> 547317:55:37,525
And I swear to God that doona
went into the cover

1495
547317:55:37,544 --> 548908:39:22,985
like a harbour porpoise
into a vaginal opening!

1496
548908:39:23,006 --> 550340:18:45,901
(LAUGHTER)

1497
550340:18:45,921 --> 552540:49:17,789
I'm not kidding.
It took about one second.

1498
552540:49:17,809 --> 554926:54:55,981
And I don't mind telling you,
I pretty much came in my pants.

1499
554926:54:56,001 --> 556544:09:25,200
(LAUGHTER)

1500
556544:09:25,220 --> 559699:06:12,365
Because you do not know
how many hours of my life I've lost

1501
559699:06:12,385 --> 561767:03:05,465
trying to get the doona back into
the frickin doona cover.

1502
561767:03:05,485 --> 564047:05:48,626
I've been on all fours
inside the doona cover.

1503
565266:39:21,500 --> 567626:14:15,914
I think it'll just be quicker
to just walk each corner...

1504
568474:37:36,180 --> 569588:08:13,983
..up into the corner.

1505
569588:08:14,003 --> 571072:49:04,414
Only to get there and go...

1506
571072:49:04,434 --> 572292:22:37,268
..I think it's 90 degrees
the wrong way round.

1507
572292:22:37,287 --> 573909:37:06,486
I've got to rotate it.
I've got to rotate it.

1508
573909:37:06,506 --> 574864:03:21,763
Now it's bunching.

1509
574864:03:21,783 --> 576481:17:50,982
This guy, he could do it
in a second.

1510
576481:17:51,002 --> 578310:38:10,263
Not only that, the minute
he was finished, good to go again.

1511
578310:38:10,283 --> 579556:42:26,874
Didn't need any recovery
or down time.

1512
579556:42:26,894 --> 580537:39:25,908
Just walks into my spare room.

1513
580537:39:25,929 --> 581916:17:21,309
Boom. Does that one as well.

1514
581916:17:21,328 --> 582791:11:25,312
And I went, "Oh, my God.

1515
582791:11:25,332 --> 584700:03:55,866
"THAT is what women want to watch
when they Google porn.

1516
584700:03:55,886 --> 585707:31:38,658
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

1517
585707:31:38,678 --> 587536:51:57,939
That will get you hotter than
anything you've ever seen, ladies.

1518
591513:41:21,612 --> 593396:03:08,388
Thank you so much for coming
on the journey with me.

1519
593396:03:08,408 --> 594801:11:47,546
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

1520
594801:11:47,565 --> 596073:46:47,914
I'll be honest with you...

1521
596073:46:47,934 --> 597081:14:30,706
Thank you.

1522
598459:52:26,126 --> 600262:42:01,629
I feel strangely cleansed.

1523
600262:42:01,649 --> 602542:44:44,790
I feel like I've gone on a journey,
I've overcome my fear

1524
602542:44:44,810 --> 604504:38:42,859
and I've left all of you feeling
a little grubbier.

1525
604504:38:42,879 --> 605565:07:53,167
(LAUGHTER)

1526
605565:07:53,187 --> 607500:31:07,478
And I do apologise for that
'cause I feel great.

1527
607500:31:07,498 --> 609250:19:15,485
You're a little soiled now
with all that dirty sex talk.

1528
609250:19:15,506 --> 610708:29:22,159
So what I want to do
to finish up tonight,

1529
610708:29:22,179 --> 612272:42:23,863
I want to, I want to raise the tone

1530
612272:42:23,882 --> 613306:40:50,412
and I want to stop talking about sex

1531
613306:40:50,432 --> 614632:17:18,296
and what I would like to do for all
you beautiful people

1532
614632:17:18,317 --> 616196:30:20,001
who came tonight, I would like
to sing you a love song.

1533
616196:30:20,020 --> 618211:25:45,584
And to do that, I need to introduce
my band to the stage.

1534
618211:25:45,605 --> 619404:28:34,681
Ladies and gentlemen,
would you please welcome

1535
619404:28:34,701 --> 620783:06:30,081
Mr Joel Salom on percussion.

1536
620783:06:30,100 --> 622108:42:57,964
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

1537
622108:42:57,985 --> 624388:45:41,126
And put your hands together
for my very talented musical sister,

1538
624388:45:41,146 --> 625661:20:41,495
Miss Penny Flanagan.

1539
625661:20:41,515 --> 627676:16:07,079
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

1540
630831:12:54,264 --> 632713:34:41,040
Oh, thank you so much for coming
on the journey.

1541
632713:34:41,060 --> 635232:13:58,020
And now, for all of you people
here tonight, a love song.

1542
643875:11:43,047 --> 647268:45:04,011

everything felt so right

1543
647268:45:04,032 --> 648939:01:00,746


1544
650556:15:29,985 --> 653472:35:43,311


1545
653472:35:43,331 --> 655487:31:08,895

how was that for you?

1546
656362:25:12,919 --> 657528:57:18,237


1547
657528:57:18,257 --> 658244:46:59,695
(LAUGHTER)

1548
658244:46:59,715 --> 659437:49:48,791


1549
660100:38:02,753 --> 661585:18:53,164


1550
661585:18:53,184 --> 663971:24:31,356


1551
663971:24:31,376 --> 665058:24:25,421


1552
665058:24:25,441 --> 666384:00:53,305


1553
667046:49:07,267 --> 668319:24:07,616


1554
668319:24:07,637 --> 670785:01:57,082


1555
671447:50:11,044 --> 674099:03:06,793

and when we went again

1556
674099:03:06,813 --> 676485:08:44,985


1557
676485:08:45,005 --> 677386:33:32,746
(LAUGHTER)

1558
678208:26:09,254 --> 681495:56:35,187

didn't move my head when I

1559
681495:56:35,208 --> 683139:41:48,165


1560
684094:08:03,461 --> 685366:43:03,810


1561
686029:31:17,773 --> 687196:03:23,091


1562
687858:51:37,053 --> 689290:30:59,948


1563
689290:30:59,968 --> 691729:38:05,655


1564
691729:38:05,676 --> 692843:08:43,479


1565
692843:08:43,499 --> 694539:55:23,971


1566
694539:55:23,991 --> 696077:37:41,917


1567
696077:37:41,937 --> 698145:34:35,017


1568
698145:34:35,037 --> 698993:57:55,263
(LAUGHTER)

1569
698993:57:55,283 --> 699683:16:52,963
Dance break.

1570
700346:05:06,925 --> 702254:57:37,459
(LAUGHTER)

1571
705966:39:43,555 --> 707716:27:51,542


1572
707716:27:51,562 --> 709598:49:38,338


1573
709598:49:38,358 --> 711772:49:26,468


1574
712859:49:20,554 --> 714503:34:33,511


1575
714503:34:33,531 --> 716279:53:25,276


1576
716279:53:25,296 --> 720813:28:07,841


1577
720813:28:07,861 --> 722086:03:08,210


1578
722086:03:08,230 --> 723782:49:48,702


1579
723782:49:48,722 --> 725638:40:51,740


1580
725638:40:51,760 --> 727971:45:02,417


1581
727971:45:02,437 --> 728846:39:06,421


1582
728846:39:06,440 --> 729695:02:26,666
I'm like a monkey on crack!

1583
729695:02:26,686 --> 730596:27:14,427


1584
730596:27:14,448 --> 732266:43:11,162


1585
732266:43:11,182 --> 734520:15:10,566


1586
734520:15:10,586 --> 735686:47:15,904


1587
735686:47:15,924 --> 737383:33:56,396


1588
737383:33:56,416 --> 739080:20:36,888


1589
739080:20:36,908 --> 740909:40:56,169


1590
740909:40:56,189 --> 742288:18:51,569

like it's the '70s

1591
742288:18:51,589 --> 743136:42:11,815
(LAUGHTER)

1592
743136:42:11,835 --> 744382:46:28,426


1593
744382:46:28,446 --> 746530:15:32,799


1594
746530:15:32,819 --> 749128:27:01,053


1595
750215:26:55,137 --> 752946:12:02,159
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

1596
752946:12:02,179 --> 754563:26:31,378
Oh, ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for my band -

1597
754563:26:31,398 --> 756366:16:06,901
Joel Salom and Penny Flanagan.

1598
756366:16:06,921 --> 757930:29:08,605
I call them The Triggers.

1599
757930:29:08,625 --> 758911:26:07,639
Ladies and gentlemen,

1600
758911:26:07,659 --> 760555:11:20,616
thank you so much for having me
here this evening.

1601
760555:11:20,636 --> 762119:24:22,320
It's been an absolute pleasure.
I really appreciate you coming out.

1602
762119:24:22,340 --> 763789:40:19,054
It's been such good fun.
Thank you. Goodnight!

1603
763789:40:19,074 --> 766175:45:57,246
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

1604
767395:19:30,120 --> 768720:55:57,984
Captions by Red Bee Media